Broken
by ederyn
Summary: Eiri doesn't need him anymore, so Tohma looks for a new broken boy to fix.
1. Chapter 1

This was perfect. A cemetery was the ideal place for this to end. All of it. His love for Sensei. His need for Seguchi. Hadn't even planned it; just went to the cemetery for one last look at Kitazawa in condign surroundings, and found Seguchi here, too.

What would the bastard do now? It'd give Eiri sick pleasure to watch his brother-in-law pine away and die—fitting punishment for everything Tohma had ever done to ruin his life.

_Shuichi's the only one who can heal me now. Seguchi will simply have to accept that and move on._

The bastard had a wife, and a baby on the way. Now that there was nothing for Seguchi beyond that, he'd go back to them and leave Eiri alone. Right?

_The hell he will. He'll be pestering me again inside of a week._

What would Seguchi do now? Eiri considered it a moment before remembering he had no obligation whatsoever to his brother-in-law. Time to leave. Forever.

"Where are you going, Eiri-san?"

"Home."

Home to Shuichi, and whatever life he'd made for himself. These were the only things truly his, untainted by the stain of Seguchi's hands. Briefly Eiri brooded over whether the bastard would follow, or beg him to wait, or ask for forgiveness...but no. Tohma's pride would never let him grovel; in a moment the pest simply turned and walked away in the opposite direction. Eiri didn't even have to say the words.

_Leave me alone._


	2. Chapter 2

Burning. Beginning like a pinprick on the back of his neck, then radiating through every nerve the longer he sat on this damn plane.

_Stupid airline. Stupid and greedy. Jamming so many seats into limited space, trying to milk every last inch for cash and__—_

**"Thank you for flying Japan Airlines today. We hope you enjoy your flight. We'll arrive at Narita International Airport about 13 hours from now, at 2 p.m. Tokyo time..."**

The stewardess continued, but Tohma wasn't paying attention anymore. Maybe he should've sprung for a private jet. Five times the price, but at least he'd have the cabin to himself. What was he supposed to do now? Mika didn't need him. Eiri didn't want him. Even NG could get along without him. What was he supposed to do when he arrived in Tokyo? There was nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no one depending on him.

_**"Where are you going, Eiri-san?"**_

_**"Home."**_

Tohma rubbed the back of his neck. What was this burning? A kind of freezing heat, and he removed one glove to soothe it as he sat in first class awaiting takeoff. The burning reminded him of something. What was it again?

_**"Ashes to ashes, dust to**__**—**__**"**_

_**"What are you singing, Eiri-kun?" **_

_**"A new song I learned at school."**_

_**"Oh? How does it go?"**_

_Ashes to ashes,_  
_Dust to dust_  
_If God won't have you,_  
_the devil must._

Maybe he should stay in New York for a while. Except that Mika would worry. Worry, and wonder what was keeping him there when Eiri was back in Japan.

**"Please secure all loose baggage in the overhead compartments, and turn off all electronic devices until after takeoff. The monitors in front of you will announce when it's okay to turn them on again. Thank you, and we hope you enjoy your flight."**

Enjoy your flight. Enjoy your flight. Why did she keep saying that? If they wanted him to enjoy his flight, they wouldn't have seated him between two fat, smelly, balding American businessmen_. I can remember when there were never more than two seats by each window, and only three in the center._ Now there were three seats near the windows and four in the center. The one time in his life when he wanted to be alone, and he found himself surrounded on all sides. Why was no one else suffering? They must have deliberately seated Tohma here because no one else on board was thin enough to squeeze between two fat Americans. Were they burning too?

"Would you like a drink, sir?"

Hm? Tohma looked up, surprised to see a beverage cart. A glance out the window confirmed they'd leveled off at cruising altitude. When had they left the ground?

"I'll just have a bottled water," one of the sweaty Americans blatted out. "Do you have Evian?" The other took a cup of coffee.

"I'd like a whiskey sour," Tohma decided, "And make it a double." Eager to please, the stewardess nevertheless handed him a plastic glass much too small for his desperation. _She's a flight attendant. Not a stewardess, but a flight attendant._ Sounded so important, like she could fly the plane if the captain passed out, but if that was true, then why were there so many crashes?

_Like JAL 123. All those people burning._ Had he known anyone on JAL 123? Maybe a distant relative, or a friend of a relative. Everyone knew _someone_ on JAL 123.

Maybe he was one of them, still burning. He'd have to ask.

**"Our in-flight movie today is Steven Spielberg's **_**War Horse**_**. If you wish to watch the film, the flight attendant will hand you a pair of headphones. Please insert the headphones into the jack on your armrest. We hope you enjoy the movie."**

But ask whom? Tohma sipped his drink, and it burned going down. Always burning. There was a song like that; who was it again?

_Burning, always burning,_  
_Your love, it took its toll_

He'd have to ask.

_When you play with matches_  
_The devil gets your soul._

Have to ask. The American businessmen both got headphones, but Tohma wasn't in the mood for a movie. What he wanted was another drink. And maybe a third. What was Eiri doing right now? Kissing his lover? Maybe more. No, he couldn't be in Tokyo yet. Unless Mr. K sent an air force jet for him like he had for Shindo. No, Eiri must be on another flight, another airline. Certainly couldn't be on this one, unless he was sitting in second or third class. Would Eiri put up with economy seating just to get away from his brother-in-law?

_To hell with him._

"Would you like a menu, sir?"

No, he didn't mean that. No burning for Eiri.

"Sir?"

"Hmm...?" Tohma looked up, and the stewardess/flight attendant/solicitous bitch who wanted to keep the passengers pacified while in flight handed him a menu.

**"We'll be bringing food trays around in another half hour. Please select which dinner you'd like and return the card to any flight attendant when we collect them in a few minutes."**

The American businessmen each grabbed a card before returning to their movie and their laptops. Crazy; how could they hope to get any work done while watching a movie? Tohma took a card and spent the next four minutes trying to answer the first question:

_Your Seat Number is __

The instructions said there was a seat number on the inside of his armrest. How could this be so difficult? The businessmen filled out their cards and returned them within a few seconds. But everything burned, and he couldn't find a number on his seat. Never mind; he didn't want to eat anyhow. Just drink. Something to quench this burning, only nothing helped.

Was Eiri burning? He hoped so. No, he didn't; that was a lie. But he wanted to see someone else suffer for a change. Wanted to see someone more traumatized than Tohma was. Except no one suffered as much as he did. The only people who ever hurt were the ones he personally tortured. No one but...

No one...

Oh, wait.

He remembered now. Yes, someone was suffering. Someone else was burning. Perfect. Someone in the world was in more pain than Tohma Seguchi at this second. Someone else was in flames, and he wanted to see someone burn. Wanted to watch someone suffer, wanted to _make_ them suffer, and he didn't care if that someone made him suffer in return. There was nothing that could hurt him more than this infernal fire. He knew what it was now. _Now _he remembered why he was burning.

He was in Hell.


	3. Chapter 3

"Good morning, Aizawa-san. I'm so glad you're on time for your appointment for a change. Your attitude toward therapy must be improving. I told you it would."

_You wish, bitch._ What choice did he have? The nurse had wheeled him in here immediately following breakfast without his consent. There was one small consolation. The psychiatrist always offered him cigarettes as a bribe, or as a token gesture of trust, or as a reward for continuing psychoanalysis—he didn't know which, or care. All that mattered was to coat his lungs with another layer of carbon and indifference, and drag himself a few steps closer to death. _Heh. This is a death camp._ What was it they used to say about the death camps in Poland during the war? The only way out was through the chimney. He'd love to leave through the chimney right now. Anything to escape.

"What are you thinking, Aizawa-san? You look lost in thought." The doctor pulled a pack of Camels from her desk drawer, then cast around for an ashtray and lighter.

"You sure you want to know?" Taki eyed the Camels the way some men gaze at gold ingots, then inched his wheelchair slightly closer to the desk under the guise of getting more comfortable.

"Of course. After all our time together, I don't think there's much you could say that would shock me. Ah, there they are. I really should clean up this desk, but organization's not my strong suit." She lifted some papers, uncovering the elusive ashtray and lighter, then scooted them over to her patient.

"I was just thinking this place is like a death camp." Taki tapped a Camel out of the pack and lit it, sucking in a huge breath of smoke and carcinogens. Yeah, that was better. If only it were marijuana or opium—if he was going to smoke, he might as well get something meaningful from it. Like oblivion.

"Death camp? You mean like Nanasanichi Butai?"

"Erm...something like that."

"That's interesting. Do you believe we're conducting human experiments here?"

"I don't know what the hell you do here. I only know you don't help _me_ here."

"You're not giving us enough credit, Aizawa-san. I think we've made progress tackling your disease, but there's still a long way to go. So let's proceed, shall we? In our last session, I believe you told me your worst enemy is a young singer named..._er_...let me check my notes. Ah yes, Shuichi Shindo. Lead vocalist for a band called Bad Luck."

_My disease?_ "I didn't say he was my worst enemy." No, his worst enemy was someone infinitely more insidious. "I said I hate him, and he caused my downfall, but he's not my worst enemy." Not by a long shot.

"Well, let's explore that. Just who would you say is your worst enemy, then?"

What was the point of answering when she didn't listen anyway? Then again, if he didn't respond, she'd keep prodding and poking until he spilled it. "The bastard who put me here."

"I thought this Shuichi person caused your downfall and put you here...? If not, then who exactly is this 'bastard' you just mentioned? Clarity is crucial, Aizawa-san."

_Clarity, my ass._ How much more time did he have to waste until the damn session was over? There was no point in looking around; she deliberately allowed no clocks in the room. Denied even the simple power of knowing the time, he resorted to what was fast becoming a stereotypy of late—hugging himself and rocking back and forth in his chair, like a captive animal expressing despair through repetitive, maladaptive behavior.

"Aizawa-san?"

_Burning, always burning,_  
_Your love finally took its toll_  
_When you play with matches,_  
_The devil gets your soul._

Had it really been so long since that song was a hit? Since he was a sensation? The next big thing; NG's rising star and golden boy, barreling toward immortality, soon to become a legend in his own time?

_Where Shuichi is right now._

"Aizawa-san?"

Shuichi.

"Aizawa-san? Can you hear me?"

What was there to look forward to from here on out? It was all downhill from here. Kicked out of the band, kicked out of the business. An invalid. A loser. A mental case.

"Aizawa-san? I'm going to have the nurse take you back to your room now and give you a sedative, but we'll talk again tomorrow."

She rose from her seat and removed the dwindling cigarette from his hand, then pressed the wall buzzer for assistance. An orderly soon arrived and returned Taki to his room upstairs.

_No, I can't hear you, Doctor. The dead cannot listen._

Did she really want to know his worst enemy? He'd have to make a list.

Ma  
Ken  
Tohma  
Shuichi  
Yuki Eiri  
Suguru

An LPN eventually brought him a glass of water and a small cup containing a pill, and Taki gladly sucked it down. Who wanted to stay lucid in this place? Or any place. The next day would only be more of the same: ice water sheets, psychoanalysis, sedatives, anti-depressants, physical restraints, hospital food. A life spent in a wheelchair; no more of a stage than this. Performance art confined to drooling on his gown as he grew more despondent and stir-crazy day by day.

And he had Tohma to thank for all this.

"Excuse me, Aizawa-san?"

His closest buds betraying him was nothing compared to what the cocksucker Seguchi had done to him.

"Aizawa-san? I know the nurse has already given you a sedative, but there's someone here to see you. Ordinarily I would suggest he return another day, but in your current state of mind I thought it might do you good to have outside stimulation for a change."

The doctor was back? No, wait. He was in his room now. The doctor never came up here; Taki always had to go down to her office. Yet here she was, standing before him, in his own room, babbling something about stimulation. "Huh?"

"I said, you have a visitor, Aizawa-san. Shall I send him in? He was rather adamant to see you, but of course, it's entirely up to you."

Taki nodded, too shocked to adequately process the request. Someone wanted to see him? He hadn't had a visitor since...hm...he couldn't remember. Probably not since Suguru came to demand he return a slip of paper...that...what was that again? Some piece of paper; a note or something. He'd clasped the thought a second ago, but now it had slipped through one of those little holes in his memory. Rabbit holes. Keyholes. Bullet holes. Assholes.

"Aizawa-san?"

"Yes, Doctor?" Taki let her move his chair around so that he faced the newcomer, then stared helplessly as she stepped aside so Satan could enter the room.

"I'll leave you two alone and give you some privacy with your guest, Aizawa-san, but I'll return later. Very nice to have met you, Seguchi-san."

"Very nice to meet you too, Doctor. Do you mind if I sit down, Aizawa-san?"

A mistake. He'd made a horrifying mistake.

"I've just returned from New York. I'll only stay a minute."

In all the days, weeks, months or centuries he'd been in therapy, Taki had never once told the doctor about Satan. Mostly it was all rambling about Shuichi.

"Your doctor seems very nice. Is she helping you at all?"

And now here was the bastard in person, to take Taki to the third Hell.

"You're very quiet, Aizawa-san. It must be quite a surprise to see me here."

The first was when Tohma pushed him in front of a car. The second was when Ma kicked him out of the band. And the third...

"Aizawa-san?"

The third was happening right now. As he sat frozen in place, staring blankly at Seguchi in powerless immobility, he could feel himself burning.


	4. Chapter 4

"You're surprised to see me."

"Not surprised, Seguchi. Annoyed. It doesn't surprise me that you'd want to see the results of your handiwork. Well, you've seen it. Now get out."

But he didn't. Tohma sat on the bed and studied Taki carefully, as if seeing him for the very first time. "I was just passing by and thought I'd check on how you were doing."

"How noble of you." What a generous benefactor, stopping by to grace such a dark and troubled soul with the clear bright light of the sun. Self-righteous bastard. Taki turned his chair around and wheeled himself over to the window, keeping his back to the imperious prick on the bed. What the hell did Tohma want? He wouldn't come here unless he wanted a favor...or to gloat. Either way, Taki's indulgence was all used up. "Don't you have a CD to record? A concert to perform? A band to promote?"

"The office can run without me for a few days."

"Really? I'm amazed. I didn't think the sun could shine without your say-so."

Taki couldn't see it, but he could feel Tohma's grating smile as he replied. "I'm glad you haven't been completely broken, Aizawa-san."

Taki wheeled the chair around. "Are you? You're wrong. I _am_ completely broken. There's nothing more you can do to hurt me, Seguchi. Absolutely nothing. You're powerless here, so get out."

"What makes you think I want to hurt you? You're nothing to me, one way or another."

"Then why come here, you bastard? You must want _something_."

Seguchi? Bastard? Tohma stared in outrage. Rage...and yes, fascination. Taki had never called him those names before, although understandably. Previously he'd been Tohma's employee, and therefore predisposed to address him with respect.

_Only Eiri-san ever called me those names._

What _had_ Tohma come here for? To hurt someone? Or be hurt? Taki was right; with ASK no longer under contract, the arrogant vocalist was outside his reach. Maybe he could do something about that. "Aizawa-san, how important is performing to you?" Taki shut his eyes and stubbornly ignored him, and Tohma continued. "Your bandmates have regrouped under another name—they frequently open for Bad Luck. I know you wouldn't appreciate that, so I'm offering something else. You could go solo."

Taki's eyes were closed, but he squeezed them tighter. Why was Seguchi such a son of a bitch? This was all a test...or a form of torture. The bastard just wanted Taki to jump at the bait, only to pull it out from under him. Just like before. "You're such a dick."

"What was that?"

"You heard me, Seguchi. You're such a dick. Look at me. I'm stuck in a wheelchair. There's no way I could get up on stage and perform again. I refuse to be the poster child for handicapped singers. You're such a dick. Now get out. I mean it. Get out!"

"Very well. Your doctor tells me you could walk again in a few months if you'd just be a good boy and do your physiatrics like they recommend, but if you'd rather feel sorry for yourself and—"

"Get out!" Taki glared at his tormenter, and Tohma coolly rose from the bed.

"As you wish, Aizawa-san. I'll let you think about it. Good night; I'll return tomorrow. In the meantime, enjoy your stay."

Tohma bounced out of the room—obviously in a good mood—and Taki wondered how he managed to leave some of his arrogance behind. "Won't he need all of it at his next stop?" A fit of disturbing, convulsive laughter overtook him, and he cackled maniacally a few moments until the laughter deteriorated into choking sobs. _There will never be any forgiveness for me. Never, never, never. _

At least the mystery was solved. It'd been killing him not to know why Seguchi had come. Why did the sun have to bake the desert? Wasn't it enough that there was no rain?

_No, there will never be enough torture. He'll never forgive me for whatever I did to Yuki Eiri._


	5. Chapter 5

"So how is he, Tohma? Is he all right?"

"Hm...?" Tohma hoisted his suitcase onto the bed and began unpacking while Mika peppered him with questions. Ordinarily he'd be grateful for the prattle to keep his mind off uncomfortable revelations, but tonight he needed to think.

"Did he look well? What did he say? Is he going to stay with that annoying vocalist?"

"Hmm? He _is_ the annoying vocalist, Mika-san."

"What? I'm talking about Shuichi. Are you even listening to me?"

"Hn?" Tohma paused to examine her. _Shuichi. Of course. She meant Eiri-san._ "Yes, Mika-san. I'm listening to every word. I'm just tired, disappointed and stressed at the moment. Eiri-san is fine. I found him at Kitazawa's grave, where he explained in words of one syllable that he doesn't need me anymore." _Doesn't need me, and never did._

"Ah."

Tohma resumed his unpacking, assigning order and predictability to at least this one small area of his life.

"It'll be all right, Tohma. When our baby is born, he'll need you more than Eiri ever has, and you'll be the best father in the world." She kissed him, and took over the unpacking. "I'll finish this. Why don't you pour yourself a nightcap; it might help you sleep. It must have been a long trip."

"Yes. Thirteen hours in the air, plus a long wait in the terminal for airport security. I'm exhausted." _Totally burned out._

"I'll have this done in a minute. Go take a shower; you'll feel better."

"All right. Thank you, Mika-san."

"And Tohma?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you for finding Eiri. I knew you would."

She returned to the unpacking, and Tohma wandered out of the bedroom and down to the den, where his piano and dry bar sat untouched during the past week. She knew he'd find Eiri? _Only I didn't find him first._ Even if he had, Eiri wouldn't have returned with him. Eiri didn't need him now. Mika didn't need him. No one needed him. No one...except perhaps a crazy singer in a wheelchair at the Matsuzawa Hospital.

_Maybe not even him._ Tohma poured a scotch and set the glass on a coaster on the piano while he tapped out a few bars of a song he'd been composing on and off the past few days. A sad piece about unrequited love, the death of someone dear, or being superfluous—he hadn't made up his mind yet.

_**"Look at me. I'm stuck in a wheelchair. There's no way I could get up on stage and perform again."**_

Why did he give a damn about Taki? He'd only gone to the hospital to see someone suffer. He hadn't expected to feel pity for the creep. This was someone little better than Kitazawa, letting goons rape an innocent—and there were few in this world as naive and innocent as Shindo. Was that any different than raping a teenage boy?

Except that Tohma couldn't care less what happened to Shuichi. It was Eiri who concerned him, and Kitazawa was the more dangerous villain. He'd attacked Tohma's brother-in-law, and previously the tutor had always presented the image of virtue. Tohma had never liked Yuki Kitazawa, but he'd never imagined the deranged loser could do anything like he'd done to Eiri, even when hammered. Kitazawa had apparently mastered hiding his true self. Taki, on the other hand, had never pretended to be anything but what he was—a jealous, selfish, conceited attention whore. Tohma had now seen him at his absolute lowest, but instead of a predatory pedophile like Kitazawa, he saw a pitiable creature.

_**"You're wrong. I **__**am**__** completely broken. There's nothing more you can do to hurt me, Seguchi. Absolutely nothing. You're powerless here, so get out."**_

Why had he never noticed before how much Taki sounded like Eiri? Tohma stopped playing and sipped some whiskey. _Insulting, bitter and cruel. Just like Eiri-san._ Tohma had never minded Eiri's surliness, for it wasn't who he really was; it was the result of trauma. _He used to be a charming, kind little boy. Was Aizawa-san like that as a child?_

Envious. Terminally jealous. And jealousy was a sign of low self-esteem and insecurity, right? Tohma was no shrink, but he knew something about insecurity. The green-eyed monster was a lifelong friend of his.

Tohma shut the fallboard over the keys and carried his drink upstairs to the bedroom. Mika had finished unpacking and had gone to bed, but wasn't asleep yet. Why wasn't it enough to just take care of her? _Because she won't let me. She takes care of herself. _ The only one who'd ever put up with Tohma's heavy-handed guardianship was Eiri, and that was over now.

_**"Aizawa-san, how important is performing to you?"**_

_**"You're such a dick."**_

_**"What was that?"**_

_**"You heard me, Seguchi. You're such a dick. Look at me. I'm stuck in a wheelchair. There's no way I could get up on stage and perform again. I refuse to be the poster child for handicapped singers."**_

With enough physical therapy Taki could perform again before autumn, but could he ever replace Eiri? Tohma drained the glass and unbuttoned his shirt. He'd have to sleep on it, but one thought serenaded him like a lullaby as he climbed into bed beside Mika:

_I'm looking forward to visiting the hospital tomorrow._


	6. Chapter 6

What a dick. Seguchi was nothing but a dick. Maybe Taki wasn't the brightest star in the galaxy, but he wasn't completely stupid either. He knew what Tohma had in mind. The bastard would string him along with promises of fame and forgiveness, and then destroy him again at the height of his new found popularity. _He only wants to pump me up so he can tear me down again, and next time it'll hurt even worse. If that's possible. What a complete shithead._

An aid entered the room and helped Taki into bed. _No damn privacy._ To the staff here, he was just an object that needed tending every now and then, like an oversized houseplant. But he wasn't tired, not with all this agitation. The aid left the room, and Taki waited long enough to hear the _click click_ of her heels down the hallway before attempting to crawl out of bed again. He wanted to pace but couldn't coordinate his legs, and resorted to pounding his fists against the mattress instead. One more day of this place would surely kill him.

Could Tohma return his dignity? Could Tohma get him out of here and back on the stage where he belonged? Back in the world of screaming fans demanding autographs, groupies breaking into the dressing room, performing in a stadium with monster monitors overhead and a million flashbulbs popping simultaneously—would Tohma really give him all that again? If he didn't, Taki would be marooned here forever; there was no one else to help him. Would Tohma really do as he'd promised?

Would he?

Honestly?

Tohma Seguchi?

Possibly. Possibly.

More likely not.

Maybe...no. _Damn it, I fell for it. For an instant I actually fell for it._ No. Way. Who was he kidding. Not in a billion years. How could he be so stupid? This was all about Seguchi; not about _him_. No matter how much he belonged up there in front of his fans, no matter how much he deserved it, earned it with his insane talent and hard work, it would never be his again. Ever.

_You are so damned stupid, Taki._

Tohma was just mindfucking him again, and the bastard wasn't even in the room right now. Or maybe he'd never left. Maybe his lingering aura always remained behind to torture his enemies. How was Taki ever going to hold it together when the sonofabitch was right here in front of him tomorrow? _I can't do it. I just can't fucking do it._

A routine room check six hours from now would find Taki unconscious on the floor, face salty, hands still balled in fists, but his mind was somewhere else. He was standing on a curb, falling backward into headlights while an evil child smiled and said, "Eiri-san is the one I love most in this world. Goodbye, Aizawa-san. I'll return tomorrow. In the meantime, enjoy your stay."


	7. Chapter 7

"Isn't it a beautiful morning, Aizawa-san?"

"Huh?" Taki looked around at the garden of singing birds, calming fountains, wandering paths and ornamental flowers, but only money and groupies were beautiful to him. "Uh huh."

The nurse could tell he wouldn't be good company today, so she gave up on the small talk and wheeled him over to what she considered the prettiest part of the garden, even though he probably wouldn't appreciate it. There was a carefully carved koi pond surrounded by bonsai trees, with a wooden bridge and a weeping willow nearby for shade. Was it really only a few months ago when she used to sit here during breaks, daydreaming about ASK?

_Burning, always burning,_  
_your love finally took its toll_

Or at least their front man, Taki Aizawa.

_When you play with matches_  
_The devil gets your soul._

It was a kind of sorcery the way he'd grab the mic stand and work the crowd with his raunchy lyrics and bestial charisma. Zepp Tokyo had never rocked the way it did the night she saw ASK the first time. A friend dragged her along to a show she hadn't really wanted to see, but when she got home that night she couldn't sleep—and it wasn't just the bedspins from drinking too much. Taki invaded her fantasies, filling her head with thoughts of ditching this job and this life to follow the band. She could sew costumes for them, become a roadie, a gofer—anything to be near Taki. He was so cocksure and seductive, flirting with the audience and daring them to fly with him.

The other bands played pop that night, but ASK blew them away with angry anthems about death, lost love and social change. Their music broke the heart or whipped the crowd into an angry frenzy, but whatever they played, they made the audience _feel_ something. When Taki took the stage, she could feel the agony of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the love of Orihime and Hikoboshi, and the fire of Shinmoedake. It was like all the longing and frustration of Japan was echoed in this one singer when Taki grabbed the mic; that he somehow spoke for everyone about the horrors of today's society. And he made her believe he could change it all with just a song.

But that was last month, before she'd ever met him.

Onstage he was so dangerously lewd, exciting and reckless; yet in television, radio and magazine interviews he was calm and charming. Was it all just a carefully crafted persona for the cameras? Or was he truly all the fire and energy he embodied onstage? She thought she had his personality figured out until she met him in the flesh right here in the hospital.

The first time she ever saw him at a distance of less than 10 meters was the day they transferred him from Tokyo General after the car accident. She didn't know the specifics of the crash—only that he'd been hit while crossing the street one night. Strangely, he never told the doctors any details, as if afraid of repercussions. For days he refused to leave his bed, clinging to it doggedly like it was the only safe place in the world. For almost a week he used the bedpan when he easily could have manipulated crutches to walk over to the bathroom. It took a promise of cigarettes from the psychiatrist to finally coax him out of his room, and to this very day he still viewed the bed as a kind of refuge.

"Are you comfortable, Aizawa-san?" she asked as she jockeyed Taki's wheelchair into position under the tree.

"There's no such thing anymore," he replied caustically, and she quizzed him further.

"I'm sorry? I'll go get a pillow for—"

"Don't bother. It won't help. Nothing helps. Just leave me alone."

"Oh. All right. Is there anything you need before I go, Aizawa-san?"

"Yeah. A bottle of painkillers, a new record company, and a friend who doesn't stab me in the back."

"Ah, are you in pain? Maybe the doctor can prescribe a stronger dosa—"

"Never mind. There aren't enough pain killers in the whole goddamn world to cure this. Just go away."

"If you like, I'll send the doctor to—"

"Can't you take a hint? Just go away, you stupid bitch. I have enough trouble without you annoying me. Capiche? Go the hell away."

"Okay." She could remember back when he was a star, and even now she still thought him incredibly attractive. So cruelly handsome...but cruel was the way he did everything. Why did he have to be such an ill-tempered pig? Funny that once upon a time she'd found that so honest and refreshing, as if kindness was counterfeit. She'd changed her mind. Wasn't it better to be considerate and cheerful, like Shuichi Shindo?

If Shuichi were here, he'd probably be sweet and bubbly, like he was onstage. Okay, this wasn't exactly paradise, but the staff was doing the best they could for the patients, and one couldn't deny that celebrity patients got the best care of all. Why couldn't Taki appreciate that they were on his side, doing everything they could to help him? Nothing she did was ever good enough for him.

The nurse used to regret missing ASK's last concert, but after meeting Taki up close and personal, she was glad she'd saved her money. Heading back to the building, she recalled those days of dancing in the mosh pit and collecting ASK memorabilia, hours wasted hanging posters and shelling out thousands of yen on CDs and concert tickets. She could probably make all that money back with a tell-all book about Taki's life in the hospital, and for a moment she pictured herself on the talk show circuit, peddling the unauthorized biography _If Beds Could Talk_.

It felt good for a minute, but it sounded like something Taki would do, and worse yet, she wouldn't wish this kind of disappointment on any of his other fans. _Let them think he's still the god he once was. Or that I once thought he was._

If only he'd get some visitors—they might straighten him out and tell him how obnoxious he was—but apparently everyone he'd ever known had abandoned him. Not surprising, but still sad. Thank goodness she didn't have to deal with him any more today. After lunch she was using some of her sick leave to take the day off so she'd have plenty of time to get ready for the club tonight. Her friends were going to Zepp to see her new favorite band, the most awesome group that ever was or ever would be.

Bad Luck.


	8. Chapter 8

They think I'm stupid. Everyone. _"__Ma is the brains of the outfit. He leads the band, not you.__"_Think I'm nothing but an emo idiot who can't control his jealousy, but they're wrong. It's passion. I love what I do and demand to be the best, and it kills me when some talentless warbler comes along and steals my glory.

All my glory. Worked so hard, and it crumbles in an instant. Stole the fans, stole the attention, stole the spotlight. The beginning of the end. That's when everything started falling apart, and I began to sink.

Okay, he's cute, with that pink hair and childlike persona—like Ryuichi Sakuma. But he can't sing like I can, and he didn't work as hard to get where he is as I did. Maybe he can write better music than me; hell, I can't write music at all. But I can put power into someone else's song, and...um...

...can't remember.

Can't remember anything lately. Are they putting something in my pills? Had a thought...but can't remember anymore.

They stick me out here in the garden and forget me, and only Tohma remembers—my worst stinking enemy in the whole blasted world and he remembers me, but Ma and Ken? No, I never hear from them. Too busy with their amazing new band.

Phfft.

Opening for Bad Luck; pathetic. I'd rather sit here the rest of my life in this damn garden with these stupid carp than open for those losers.

Carp. Stupid carp. They must want food, I bet. Bread crumbs, or bugs. They skim the surface like little boats on the water, and it reminds me of something. How much I'm sinking. Sinking like a boat. Like a big fat boat. I'm the Titanic and I'm sinking.

Sinking, thinking, drinking, stinking...see, I could write a song. I'm not as stupid as they think. I could write a song if I tried. Better than that damn pinking...

Masabumi Hosono. From Tokyo. They think I'm stupid, but I do know some things. I do know that. Masabumi Hosono, the only Japanese passenger on the Titanic. 41-year old civil servant, traveled second class. Why second class? Should've had money for first, but the Japanese were always second class back then. Some of us still are. Never first. No matter how hard we try there's always someone ahead of us, and we lose everything we have to them.

Never first.

Poor guy. They expected him to die. Second class always has to die so that first class can live large. Forty-one with a wife and kids. Didn't want to die, so when they said, _"__Room for two more!__"_ he hopped into the lifeboat. Hopped in the boat so he could live, but he actually died. Just didn't know it till he got home. _"__All those other people died, why didn't you? Those children could've lived instead of you. You've shamed us! You've shamed the entire Japanese nation!__"_

Really? Did I shame the entire Japanese nation? All I wanted was to be first class. But I'm sinking, and there's no lifeboat. Wait, what's this...oh, yes. Thought it looked familiar. The world's biggest iceberg.

"Good morning, Aizawa-san. Happy to see me? You should be."

What's he doing here so early? I was expecting the bastard later in the day, around the time he'd come last night. Always throws me off balance, doing what I don't expect. I ought to say something, but what is there to say? Not happy to see him, and I doubt he'll notice I'm sinking. "Why so early, Seguchi? Your timing's off. If you'd come just before bedtime, you could give me nightmares again. As it is, there's plenty of time for me to work you out of my system before lights out."

He holds onto my wheelchair while he bends down, so it looks like he's sinking too. I didn't know Seguchi could do second class.

"Let's cut to the chase. You don't like me, Aizawa-san; I don't like you. But maybe we can help each other. We both hate Shindo-san. What I'd love more than anything is to create a musical act that can surpass him. Interested?"

Funny, he acts like he's sending me a lifeboat, but it feels like we're both sinking now.


	9. Chapter 9

"Good morning. I'm here to see Taki Aizawa."

"Oh, good morning, Seguchi-san. You came at a good time. He's out in the garden. I'll call an orderly to show you the way."

"You're very kind, but if you don't mind I'd rather find him myself. The gardens are out this way, yes?"

"Yes, straight through those doors."

"Thank you. I'm sure I'll have no trouble finding him. Thank you so much."

Tohma beamed a radiant smile at the receptionist, and she giggled into her hand. Good to know he hadn't lost it entirely, then, despite Grasper's second and final demise.

He strolled out the door and headed toward the meditative gardens. The grounds were resplendent, and he rather enjoyed wandering through the _kaiyū-shiki-teien_, dotted with carp ponds and cherry blossoms, stone lanterns and bending ming trees. It was surprising and impressive that despite the limited space of the hospital curtilage, the promenade garden was laid out like a proper _kaiyū-shiki-teien, _with concealed landscapes meant to be seen one at a time, as the visitor stumbled across them on the winding path. Little hills, bamboo thickets and wooden screens hid artistically crafted scenes of waterfalls, rock gardens and carefully sculpted trees.

Eventually Tohma arrived at a small koi pond spanned by an arched bridge, with a willow on the banks. As he paused to take in the scene, Tohma wasn't surprised that the wheelchair beneath the gently swaying branches looked out of place in the artificially constructed landscape. What surprised him was that the moody, brooding occupant did not. Taki seemed perfectly placed under a weeping willow.

There was a time when Taki's misery had made him deliriously happy—in fact, right up until yesterday—but that was when he'd thought Taki was a danger to Eiri. His brother-in-law was now perhaps better off for Taki's interference, and Tohma's anger had subsided. He now had a purpose for the arrogant singer, but no use for Taki's continuing self-destruction. It was time to give the diva a reason to live.

"Good morning, Aizawa-san."

Taki looked up, but said nothing. Was he going to be combative today? Tohma was in a good mood for a fight. He was playing with his favorite deck, the one where he got all the face cards.

"Happy to see me? You should be."

"Why so early, Seguchi? Your timing's off. If you'd come just before bedtime, you could give me nightmares again. As it is, there's plenty of time for me to work you out of my system before lights out."

Tohma smiled and bent down, balancing on his knees so he'd be at Taki's height without getting grass stains on his designer suit. "Let's cut to the chase. You don't like me, Aizawa-san; I don't like you. But maybe we can help each other. We both hate Shindo-san. What I'd love more than anything is to create a musical act that can surpass him. Interested?"

Taki closed his eyes and nodded slowly. "Go on."

"I can't fire him or break his contract without handing him on a silver plate to my competitors. What I need is another artist in my own stable who can eclipse him. Is that you, Aizawa-san?"

"I thought Ma and Ken had their own band now? Who'll write my music? I'm a singer, not a composer or musician."

"I'll write your music for now. As you've said yourself, you're not ready to tour while stuck in that chair. Session musicians are good enough for the moment. We'll put together a band for you later when radio play has generated a fan base for you. But there's a catch."

"Naturally. You can't do anything without a price, Seguchi. So what is it?"

"You have to work with your doctors to get well again. It does no good to have a pretty face and powerful voice if we can't put you in front of the fans. Agreed?"

Taki looked down at the carp in the pond for a minute. What was he thinking? Tohma couldn't tell, but surely this offer was tempting. He rose to his feet and brushed off his pants to straighten any wrinkles. "Well, I'll let you think about it. Just in case, I'll have my secretary print out a new contract. I'll bring it tomorrow, all right?"

Funny, the vocalist should have looked happy, but Taki's expression somehow reminded Tohma of a fish on a hook. "I'd better go now and let you get back to your day. See you tomorrow, Aizawa-san."

Tohma turned and started to walk down the path again, until an unintelligible sound caught his attention. He stopped and looked around at Taki. "Yes, Aizawa-san?"

Taki seemed to want to say something, but waved Tohma on. "Nothing. Never mind."

Tohma resumed his stroll through the garden, catching a little of whatever Taki was mumbling to himself. Something about sinking.


	10. Chapter 10

**"Any questions, Aizawa-san?"**

Company agrees to produce a minimum of three master recordings, each consisting of not less than forty minutes in playing duration, and shall be of a quality equal to master recordings normally produced for commercial distribution...

**"Is there a problem with it?"**

Label reserves the right to opt-out in the event of insufficient sales...

**"Our lawyers will be happy to iron out any details with your lawyers." **

Artist agrees to contribute...

**"If there's anything that's confusing, I'll be happy to explain it to you." **

Artistic control belongs to...

**"As it is, this is a good deal, Aizawa-san." **

License for use of name and image...

**"A very good deal." **

Copyright, promotion, distribution, payment and royalties...

**"Much more generous than I'd normally offer an act with a track record like yours." **

Taki understood the contract just perfectly. _This is to certify that we both agree you're going to screw me over royally, and there's nothing I can do about it because I want this more than Lindsay Lohan wants her next fix._

**"Why won't you believe me?" **

_Burning, always burning,_  
_Your love finally took its toll_  
_When you play with matches_  
_The devil gets your soul._

**"So do we have a deal?" **

"Gimme the damn pen, Seguchi."


	11. Chapter 11

So where was he? Taki sucked in some mentholated tobacco and checked his wrist out of habit. _Fucking doctors._ Forgot once again that his watch, along with all his other possessions, had been taken away and sent home with Ma on his one and only visit weeks earlier. So what time was it? Much too late. Figured that Seguchi would keep him waiting. Not that he was waiting.

"Would you like a stroll around the grounds, Aizawa-san?"

"No. Has Tohma Seguchi come in today?"

"I haven't seen him. Maybe he'll come later?"

"Yeah, maybe."

Who cared if Tohma never showed up at all? It was just that his visits were something interesting in an otherwise dispiriting day. Nothing to look forward to, ever, except this. Not to mention Taki now had a career goal to work toward, and he couldn't do any of that here.

Maybe he should tell his doctor point blank that he was ready to leave. _"Taki Aizawa is no mental case! He's a star!"_ And stars needed to shine. _"It's just that simple, Doctor. I've got to get back to work. N'est-ce pas?"_ Would she let him? Maybe he could get Tohma to lean on her. After all, it was in Seguchi's best interests if Taki checked out of this hell hole.

So where was the bastard? Must be noon. Taki could see the food trolley wheeled past his door every so often, loaded with trays. How come no one had brought one to him yet? At least eating lunch would kill some time.

He wheeled his chair over to the window and watched the boring monotony of nature for a few minutes, until the stillness outside grew tiresome. Wasn't there ever going to be any excitement in his life again? Was everything from now on going to be still and calm and tedious? He'd rather die than endure this place another minute.

"Aizawa-san?"

Taki wheeled himself around at the familiar voice. His therapist had deigned to visit his room a second time during his incarceration? Phenomenal. And what was this? Wonder of wonders, Seguchi was at her side. Astonishing beyond belief. Yeah, right.

"Aizawa-san, after discussing your case with Dr. Minamoto, I've agreed to your release from the hospital on Seguchi-san's promise that you'll continue your physical therapy and psychoanalysis on an outpatient basis. I also want you to continue taking your medication at the prescribed dosage until further notice. Do you understand? I'm counting on you to prioritize your health issues. You won't disappoint me, will you?"

What? He was getting out? After all this time he was finally getting a pardon from the governor? "You kidding? Anything to get out of here."

"Fine. There's some paperwork to be done at the nurse's station. I'll have an orderly pack your belongings."

"Great." _What belongings? My clothes? I'll have to wear those. Idiots._

Still, how about that. Paroled on his own recognizance. He'd no longer have to ask Doctor Stuffypants for a simple smoke anymore, and Seguchi was lowering himself to push Taki over to the nurse's station. As the doctor headed down the hall in that priggish way of hers, he knew exactly what she was thinking. _ He'll be back._

But she was wrong. Dead wrong.


	12. Chapter 12

"You're kidding."

"Why would I kid you, Aizawa-san?"

"You want me to cover a crappy 80's glam jam?"

"That was an excellent 80's glam jam, and no, this isn't it." Tohma took a seat at the piano, while Taki shut the door and wheeled himself into the center of the rehearsal studio. "Same title, different song. This is a slow, sad, but romantic ballad."

"What? I can't do a slow ballad."

"Why not?"

"Just never have. ASK is known for technopop and hard-hitting metal. It's what my audience will expect."

"Exactly. We're not going to give them what they expect. There are many faces to Taki Aizawa, and we're going to introduce the listeners to _all_ of them, in time. Techno, electronica, trance, dance, pop, metal, alternative...the audience will never tire of you, because you'll always give them something different and surprising."

Taki started tapping his pockets for cigarettes, then remembered Tohma wouldn't let him smoke in here anyhow. _Power tripping bastard._ "Well, of course I can sing anything. Of _course_ I can do any kind of music. That doesn't mean I _like_ any old kind of music, and I'd rather not perform music I can't stand."

"You can't stand slow ballads?"

"Ergh. I didn't say that. But I want to hear it before committing myself to anything."

"Certainly. I'll play it for you right now. I've been writing this song off and on since I returned from New York, and ultimately wrote it for you."

Wrote it for him? _Well...damn._ That tore the sheet. Or sheet music. Taki had to like it now or get fired. No matter how much he loathed the song, he'd have to pretend it was amazing, because how does one tell his boss he hates a song the boss wrote, especially one written specifically for him? It was almost guaranteed that this was going to be the absolute worst piece of musical hackery since _Muskrat Love_.

Taki clenched his jaw, but as Tohma tapped out the first few measures, the somber intonation slowly transfixed him. If Ken locked himself in a music studio on a deserted island for 20 years without interruptions, he could never come up with a song as simple and moving as this. As a songwriter, composer, arranger and keyboardist he was still centuries behind Seguchi, and Taki wondered now why they'd thought they'd deserved stardom with ASK. This music was completely outside his experience, but he could see himself stepping out of his comfort zone to sing it. It needed a powerful voice to pull it off; could he do it? His arrogant side said, _"Hell yeah,"_ but his more realistic side told him it would take everything he had. No smoking before the performance. Should probably quit anyhow, but there was no way he was going to give up one of the few consistent pleasures he had in life.

As Tohma played, it carried Taki back to the days when he hated Seguchi just for having so much talent. Hated him for his compositions; for having the power and aptitude he'd always craved. Only...this song was written _for_ him, not as a weapon against him. Tohma wasn't competing with Taki to be the greatest musical force in the universe. No, this powerhouse songwriter was in his corner now, and was going to write music for him. Taki couldn't help but become even bigger than he ever was with ASK. For the first time in his life, he was genuinely grateful.

In a moment Tohma was going to finish the song, and he'd surely ask Taki what he thought of it. How could he explain what he felt? He'd never been honest with anyone before.

_Well, it's like this, Tohma. There's a reason I'm not a songwriter. Sometimes I'll hear an incredible song on the radio, and think there's no point in writing music when the best song of all time has already been written, but then I'll hear another song later that's even better. Then I think __that__ one is the greatest song of all time, but no. Eventually someone outdoes it. There must not be a greatest song of all, yet there's a song I hear in my head every now and then__—a __bar here, a measure there, but always out of reach. Someday I want to sing that song. Well, this one comes as close to that phantom song as anything I've ever heard._

Would Tohma one day write that song? Maybe. He wrote some of the others. Taki used to hate him for it; hated him for writing what was then the greatest song of all. _Why is he so talented when I'm not? What'd he ever do to earn it? I work hard at being the best, but I never can be, no matter what I do. And the one thing I'm truly good at_—_singing_—_comes easy to me. I never have to work at that. Are other people jealous of me for having a good voice when I do nothing to deserve it?_

The song came to an end, and Tohma swiveled around on the bench to get Taki's reaction. "So what do you think? Do you still hate slow, sad, romantic ballads? Or will you sing it?"

"I'll sing it."


	13. Chapter 13

Gotta hand it to Seguchi.

_**"Are you kidding? He's in a wheelchair."**_

_**"He won't be forever, Yamato-san. He's just released a brand new CD of solid music, a few songs of which I believe are destined for #1, given enough airplay."**_

_**"But he's in a wheelchair."**_

_**"Thus explaining his recent absence from the music scene."**_

_**"But I can't put someone up on stage in a damn wheelchair."**_

_**"He won't sit in a wheelchair. We'll erect a stage with built-in seating for all the musicians, keeping everyone at relatively the same visual level. The camera can pan from one to the next without much difference in height between the drummer, the singer, the keyboardist and the guitarists. There's enough time for this, eh? The show's telecast tomorrow. I can have a team of stagehands rig it up this afternoon."**_

_**"Hm."**_

He's a manipulative little twit, but he sure knows the business. It was shrewd to replace Gackt's opening act with Taki Aizawa, of all people. Instead of a little known Avex band, over 10 million viewers saw a well-known NG performer. Of course, I now have to apologize to Avex Music Group for screwing one of their bands, but at ¥75 million from Seguchi, it's worth it.

_**"I still say the audience won't like it. They know about his accident, especially after that magazine story you splashed all over the newstands the other day. Everything from People to PopBeat is carrying a story on **__**'**__**poor injured Aizawa-san**__**' **__**this week."**_

_**"Of course they'll know. They'll see him bravely on stage singing a weepy romantic number, but not feeling sorry for himself. He's not wasting away in a hospital somewhere; he's back up on stage knocking 'em dead. They'll love his mettle."**_

_**"Chikushou. I dunno."**_

Gotta hand it to him. The bastard's got balls. Still gives me goosebumps thinking of those kids in our studio audience jumping on their seats, waving lighters and chanting _"Taki! Taki!"_ They absolutely loved him. Sure as hell never did that kinda crap with ASK.

_**"He won't be able to tour for another few months when he's finally out of the chair permanently. For now, he's limited to television appearances. But I think we can generate enough demand for his new CD without a tour, if we can put him in front of the audience in other ways."**_

_**"Sheesh. You're already playing his new video on our JumboTron every hour, and every billboard in town has his face on it. How much more publicity does he need?"**_

_**"How much did Hyde need before he took off?"**_

_**"You think Taki Aizawa can be the next Hyde?"**_

_**"I do."**_

_**"!" **_

Gotta hand it to him. Within hours, every radio station in Japan was flooded with requests for Taki's new song. _"That one they played on Music Factory! I want to hear that!"_ Damnedest thing I ever saw.

_**"Waaaaah! Taki! Taki! I love you, Taki-sama!"**_

Crazy girls, but _Music Factory_ never had higher ratings, and _You Spin Me_ is number 4 on the charts right now. Gotta hand it to that bastard. He was right. Timing is everything.


	14. Chapter 14

"Aaargh! What's going on? What's Shacho doing?"

"Huh? What are you talking about, Sakano?"

"C-c-come over and look at this, K! Look what's on TV!"

K strolled over to the set in the lounge to see what the spasmodic producer was screeching about. "Hn? Oh. Wow, look at those girls. They're going nuts over that yodeling. Must have something to do with all those magazine stories about Taki's car accident. And now he's making a comeback? Without ASK? Hmmm."

"Never mind that! Shacho somehow replaced the band Tsunami with Aizawa-san! He could have put Bad Luck in there. Think how big we'd get if he'd put that kind of publicity behind Bad Luck!"

"That's exactly why he didn't do it. He'll say that's our job."

"But even _you_ don't have that kind of power. To replace Gackt's opening act is just...aaargh! We can't do that! Why did he do it for Aizawa-san and not for Bad Luck?"

"Heh. You know as well as I do he'd throw himself into a stump grinder before he'd help Shuichi. It's quite cunning, actually. He isn't harming any of his own bands, and he's helping one get huge. Unfortunately that one is not our boy. We'll just have to take lessons from Tohma and get smarter."

"Smarter? How can we do what he's doing without crossing him up?"

"Who says we don't want to cross him up?"

"B-b-but we can't cross Shacho! He'll kill us! It'd be dangerous and foolish!"

"Well, as they say, Lady Luck loves a fool."

"Whuh...?! Gaaaah!"


	15. Chapter 15

I'm not evil. It's not evil to do something immoral to help someone else, right?

_**"You didn't need to come down here, Seguchi."**_

_**"It was no bother; I was in the neighborhood anyway. On the phone you mentioned there was a problem, Nakajima-san?"**_

_**"Yeah. Liquid Sashimi's been booked by XMR, so I'm afraid Aizawa's a no-go. In fact, I'm filling out the paperwork for them right now." **_

Surely there's no afterlife anyhow, and we all simply die after this life.

_**"But you signed an agreement to let Taki Aizawa perform at the club this weekend. I've already paid the fee."**_

_**"Tough. Ichirō**__**'s **__**paying me twice as much, so I'm gonna tear up our contract. Now where is that damn thing..."**_

_**"So as of this moment your agreement with me is still in place?"**_

_**"Technically. Until I tear it up and complete this new one. Ichirō**__**'s**__** picking it up this morning, so you're out of luck."**_

_**"I see."**_

I don't think even Eiri-san or his brother believe in another life, and they're the closest things to real Buddhists I've ever known. Their hotheaded father certainly doesn't count. Okay, so Mika-san still believes in reincarnation and nirvana, but she's wrong. Nirvana is just a band, and they're dead now.

_**"I can offer more than XMR will give you."**_

_**"Yeah? Like what?"**_

_**"I understand you have a taste for Chinese red."**_

_**"Erm..."**_

_**"Interested, Nakajima-san?"**_

_**"I'm listening."**_

Anyway, there are millions out there worse than I am. Serial killers, rapists, thieves, pedophiles, hit men, kidnappers, extortionists, mobsters, mass murderers, terrorists. Comparatively, I'm not evil.

_**"Konnichi wa! This is Keiko, and you're watching MuzikNewz. The big story in the music world today is the tragic death of Tsuyoshi Nakajima, brother of Ichirō**__**Nakajima, Executive Director of Artist Management for XMR Records."**_

_**"That's right, Keiko. Tsuyoshi was found dead in his office at the popular nightclub Liquid Sashimi by Yuto Osawa, Ichirō**__**Nakajima's personal assistant, when he went to the club this morning. More than 200 milligrams of heroin were found in Tsuyoshi's bloodstream."**_

_**"So this has been ruled an accidental OD, Aya?"**_

_**"Yes, it's well-known that Tsuyoshi Nakajima had a serious drug habit dating back to the 90's when he played bass in the band **__**My Bright and Shining Knife**__**. Where this story gets legs is through support from the Legalize Drugs Now lobby who claim this death wouldn't have happened with regulated narcotics."**_

_**"How do you mean, Aya?"**_

_**"Well, Tsuyoshi's death seems to be a repeat of what's sometimes called the Janis Joplin effect. The amount of heroin in his bloodstream was not particularly unusual for an addict; what's unusual is the purity. Since heroin is unregulated, there's no standardization in place. Apparently Tsuyoshi got his last fix from a new dealer, and he was unaware of the purity. So he took the same amount he always did, but this time it was lethal."**_

_**"Ah. A tragedy all around. He'll be greatly missed."**_

_**"Indeed. In other music news, Taki Aizawa will be performing at Liquid Sashimi this weekend. Tickets go on sale tomorrow, and are expected to sell out quickly."**_

I'm not evil. I'm not.


	16. Chapter 16

"It's no prob-a-lem, Shuichi! You just need some motivation."

What was K talking about? The gunslinging American had never written a song before in his life. How could he possibly know it was no prob-a-lem? "I'm telling you, I just can't do it. I can't write any music. All my motivation deserted me when Yuki started acting cold yesterday. Why does he treat me like this?"

"I don't know, but you need something to take your mind off your personal problems for a while. I know, I'll take you and the boys down to that new club on the strip. I hear it's incredible."

"New club?"

"Yes. Huge place. Very popular. Maybe you could perform there. Tell you what, I'll pick you up in a couple hours, and we'll check it out."

"Uh, I'm not really in the mood to—"

"It's no prob-a-lem!"

No prob-a-lem, no prob-a-lem. Nothing's a problem when you carry an arsenal everywhere you go. Wasn't that why they called guns _problem solvers_? If only a firearm could fix _this_ one. Well, it could, but only if he turned it on himself, and Shuichi didn't want to take that route. _ At least it can't get any worse._

He returned to the lonely apartment after work, depressed at the emptiness now that Yuki was staying in a hotel. _"I'm leaving, brat. I can't concentrate with your stupid video games beeping and buzzing all the time. I've got a deadline."_ Would he ever come home? There was no music in him when Yuki was away, and Shuichi couldn't write any lyrics.

Two hours later, Hiro knocked on the door. Where had the time gone? While Hiro waited on the couch, Shuichi got dressed and hunted around for his shoes. _I don't even want to go out. Why did I let K talk me into this?_

"Maybe it'll be fun, Shuichi. We haven't gone out in a long time. It'll be great to go clubbing without having to work."

"But I don't feel like going out. Why is K so insistent?"

"I don't know, but he's parked downstairs, so if we don't come down soon he'll shoot us both."

Shu grabbed his jacket and followed Hiro out to the lift, slamming the door behind him.


	17. Chapter 17

"Here, have a drink, Shu. It'll loosen you up."

"I don't need to loosen up. I need Yuki."

"Look over there; even Sakano is having a better time than you are, and you know how uptight he is."

"Yuki didn't walk out on Sakano. What am I going to do, Hiro? He may never come back. The tour starts in a few days, and the CD has to be done before that. Not to mention I haven't written some of the songs yet, and we still have to record them. K is gonna throw grenades at me again."

"Heh. Well, you can't write anything if you put too much pressure on yourself. Just relax for one night. Hey, look. There must be a band getting up on stage. Let's go over and watch the show. Maybe it'll take your mind off things to see another band, eh? Let's go."

Hiro headed off to where dozens of screaming fangirls were crowding around the stage, and Shuichi unwillingly hurried after. Who wanted to hear some other band when he couldn't finish his own songs, especially if the band was talented? Hopefully this was a terrible band, but Shuichi couldn't even see who it was. What were they doing, sitting on the floor? Shuichi was swept along with the crowd, until K waved him over to the side, where he'd saved a place near the bar.

"Can you see the band?" Shuichi screamed into the rising din, but K couldn't hear him through the wall of sound. If it wasn't for monster speakers flanking the stage, Shuichi probably wouldn't hear the music over the screams of the crowd. As it was, the girls nearly drowned out the singer as he began crooning a sad power ballad.

Wait, that voice was familiar. Where had he heard it before? An amazing voice, yet it made him cringe. Or was that just the frustration of so many sqealing fans shrieking over a competitor? No, it reminded him of something unpleasant. Something terrifying. Something to do with Yuki, and how he wanted to protect him; how afraid he was of Yuki's past, and how it was all going to blow up—

Wait...wait...

Shuichi saw a flash of something and pushed closer to the stage for a better look. Stupid fans; didn't they know a band was just normal, ordinary people like them? So crazy to scream and drool over a celebrity, like there was something different about them. Did they think a singer had magic powers or something? Apparently they thought this one did.

In another moment, so did Shuichi. Every refrain wept of lost love, and speared him with memories of Yuki's absence. _And I thought it couldn't get any worse._ This was torture, listening to a warehouse full of screaming fans stomping and clapping for someone other than him. No one had even noticed Shuichi. Pink hair and wild clothes, yet he went unrecognized. He was the biggest thing in Japan, or so K kept telling him. Was it all a lie? Maybe this new guy was the biggest thing in Japan. How come he was performing here instead of Shuichi? It was an incredible club; expensive decor and stage equipment; must not be easy to get booked.

And there was something so familiar about that front man. Probably famous, or how else would Shuichi know him? But this song he'd never heard before. Couldn't place it, and couldn't quite place...

No. There was something else. He was wrong. This was a known quantity, something he'd seen a million times in his nightmares. That face.

Competitor. Rival.

Now he remembered. Now he knew where he'd seen that band. Well, not all of them. Just the singer. The singer...

"Fantastic, isn't he?"

"Mr. K...?"

"Great music, ain't it? Just look at those screaming fans!"

"But that's...that's Taki Aizawa up there."

"Yup!"

"Taki Aizawa, who raped me. Hired goons to rape me. Don't you remember?"

"Yup! Look at that crowd. They love him! Doesn't it make you mad?"

"Mad?" More like catatonic.

"Yeah. Furious. That bastard traumatized you. Nearly ruined your life and your career. And now he's doing it again. Making a comeback. Stealing your fan base. Doesn't it make you mad? Only one way to retaliate. You've got to churn out a better CD than his. And that's not gonna be easy. Tohma's writing his music."

"What?"

"You heard me. Seguchi's writing all his songs, which is why he's put out such a strong album. It's burning up the charts and it was only just released. Looks like the fans have been seriously waiting for a comeback. They love that psycho sonofabitch."

"And that's why you brought me here...?"

"Yup."

"To witness Taki Aizawa's new success."

"Yup."

"You were hoping it would make me mad enough to get back into the studio to write more songs and finish that CD?"

"Yup."

"But Yuki's left me. Maybe for good. I can't write anything when he's gone. What am I gonna do?"

"You're going to pull on your big boy pants and get busy. Go home and get a good night's sleep, Shuichi. We start seriously busting Taki's balls first thing in the morning."

K wandered back to the bar and ordered a drink, while Shuichi stared after him in a stupor. Who should he hate more—Taki, Tohma, those traitorous fans or Mr. K? _At least things can't get any worse._

Yuki left him and his life was over, but at least it couldn't get any worse. His employer was backing a new act—or an old act—an act who'd caused him horrific suffering in the past. The fans were no longer interested in Bad Luck, or at least not right now, but it couldn't get any worse. And his fucked-up American manager had tricked and manipulated him into coming here to witness all this. But it couldn't get any worse. Shuichi pictured all the possible outcomes of this evening, from a nightclub fire to an earthquake to an enemy nation attacking Tokyo, and he was right.

There would never be a worse moment in his life than this.


	18. Chapter 18

"You wouldn't believe what it was like, Ryuichi. Hundreds of screaming fangirls chanting his name, rushing the stage, trying to rip his clothes off...it was like Beatlemania or something. A dozen people got arrested for refusing to leave when the bouncer threw them out. It was crazy!"

"Heh. No worries, Shuichi. I've heard his latest CD. It's good, very good, but you've done better. When you finish yours, it'll outsell Aizawa's by a million copies. You'll see."

"You mean it?"

"Of course. He's not a god, you know."

"The fans seem to think so. All because of that freaking accident. He's on the covers of _Bop_ and _MuzikBuzz_ this week in that stupid wheelchair, and everyone feels sorry for him."

"That's right. It's just pity, Shuichi. When the novelty wears off, everyone will listen to the music—really listen to it—and then they'll realize how much better you are."

"You honestly think so?"

"I really do."

"Even though Seguchi-san is writing his music?"

"Even despite that. You just need to get stoked and get back into the studio. Kumagoro thinks so, too."

"You're right! Okay, I'll do it. I'm gonna write the best songs I've ever written in my whole life! I'll show that droopy-eyed cripple I can write the best music on the planet. Thanks, Ryuichi! Bye!"

"Bye bye!" Ryuichi hung up the phone and cuddled Kumagoro. "I know, I know, Kuma. But maybe he _will_ write music better than this. He's got the ability. He just needs to roll up his sleeves and do it." Kumagoro didn't look convinced, but what did he know? Shuichi was special, and he had a lot more talent than anyone gave him credit for. Ryuichi grabbed the jewel box and turned off the stereo, then put away his copy of Taki's new CD...the best album he'd heard in years.


	19. Chapter 19

Kumagoro tells me it's not what I think it is, but sometimes I wonder if he's trying to trick me. Or is it Tohma who's trying to trick Kumagoro?

"Ryuichi-san, it's just that I don't see why I shouldn't let bygones be bygones. Aizawa-san has atoned for his mistake, and now he's back on the right track with his life. Why not help him achieve a little success so he won't feel threatened by Shindo-san anymore? It's better for Shindo-san that way; better for Aizawa-san. Everyone wins. Isn't that right? After all, I have a business to run. I can't allow these personal encumbrances to endanger the progress of NG Music."

The problem is Tohma uses such big words, and Kuma doesn't always know what they mean. But I think it means Tohma's trying to keep something from us. He's so closed, like a secret agent. "But Tohma, you remember what Taki did to Shuichi, don't you? He's a bad man. Bad men don't deserve second chances."

"I've told you, he's reformed. He's in therapy now, he takes medication for his obsessive impulses. I'm with him night and day to make sure he's behaving himself, and when I can't be there personally, I phone him on his cell. I'm in constant contact with him. You don't have to worry about him ever again."

Oh, this is bad. Very bad. He was just like that with Eiri. That's what it's all about, isn't it? His brother-in-law rejected him in favor of Shuichi, so he's trying to find someone else he can coddle and manipulate. And who better than Shuichi's worst enemy? He kills two birds with one stone. Tohma gets someone new to pamper and baby, and he gets to torture Shuichi and Eiri with his new boy toy.

"Aizawa-san is a different person now, so let's give him the benefit of the doubt, okay? If you're not busy, you could do me a big favor and see if Shuichi is getting any work done on the new CD. He should be down in the rehearsal studio."

So that's it, then. Discussion's over, and Tohma's dismissed us like bothersome children so he can get back to work. Fine, I'll go.

What's that, Kuma? Ah. Yeah, I think so too.


	20. Chapter 20

"I'm sorry, Aizawa-san, but we won't be printing a retraction. This is the biggest story in the music world right now. "Rising star hit by car makes a comeback to cheering fans!" It took a lot of work for me to find the driver of that car, and when he told me you fell backward off the curb—possibly because you were drunk that night—we just couldn't resist printing the story."

"I was NOT drunk that night, nor did I stumble drunkenly off the curb. You've printed a lie, and I'll sue you for libel if you don't retract it."

"I never printed that. The exact wording is _"__The driver of the car claimed Aizawa looked stuporous that night and believed he'd been drinking, thus causing him to stumble backwards into the street.__"_It's the absolute truth, insofar as it's honestly what the driver believed."

Taki was quickly losing his patience, Kaoruko could tell. She was rather surprised he'd held together this long—he wasn't exactly known for his composure under fire. _His shrink must be doing him some good._ Still, he paced wildly around the room looking like he wanted to slam his fist through something.

"You said I'm in rehab!"

"Well, aren't you?"

"No, I'm in therapy. That's different. I go to physical therapy so I can walk again, and I'm seeing a psychiatrist to help me cope with the trauma. That's totally different."

"It's rehabilitation."

"But that's not what the public pictures when they hear the word 'rehab'. You're slanting everything to make a sensational story, and it's fucking up my sales. I thought we had something of a partnership. You scored one of the hottest stories of your career when I told you Yuki Eiri was having an affair with Shuichi Shindo. You owe me."

"There's another story or two I could print if I wanted to, Aizawa-san. I have reason to believe Seguchi-san had something to do with your little accident, and I think it might be connected to your exposé of Yuki Eiri. Do you really want me to pursue that?"

"God, you're a bitch."

"Yes, I am. Glad we're on the same page. Here's something else to think about. Word around town is that you and Seguchi-san are romantically involved, and that's why he's backing your comeback so intensely. You wouldn't be riding the gravy train right now if you didn't have his powerful PR behind you. Do you want me to break _that_ story?"

"Damn you, you fucking whore. There's nothing between me and Seguchi. Nothing but business."

"So you say. Now why don't you show yourself to the door before I have one of our security personnel show you out?"

"Chikushou."

He cursed and swore but left the office like a good boy, as Kaoruko knew he would. _House always wins in this game. Why do the suckers bet at all?_ She had more important things to think about, like heading up to the boss' office. The front page story on Taki this month boosted sales by a record 17%. Pretty good for a magazine that was having financial trouble only a few months ago. When would fools like Aizawa ever learn it was all about the money?

She pushed the chair from the desk and rose from her seat, wondering what she could spend the money on if she got a promotion. Swimming pool? New car? She'd have to think about it. So she was a bitch, was she?

_Well, sticks and stones, Taki. Sticks and stones._


	21. Chapter 21

"Kaoruko-san, please have a seat. I'll try to make this brief, no beating around the bush. I respect you too much for that. You've been in this game a long time. You know how it is. You know we've been having financial difficulty. This is a business, and sometimes in corporate dealings, an asset changes hands."

_Uh huh. So if he isn't going to beat around the bush, then why all this prevarication?_

"I'll just cut to the chase. As you know, _PopBeat_ has been losing money for quite some time. Our investors have voted to liquidate it and divide up the dividends among the shareholders. You understand. When a buyer suddenly stepped forward, we were in no position to negotiate."

_Oh, fuck...so I'm out of a job?_

"Now, that's the bad news. The good news is the new owner has assured us he won't be firing anyone. On the contrary, there's a small bump in pay for all employees, and some additional perks for those with tenure, like yourself. He said he was looking forward to working with you, and that might translate into additional benefits—profit sharing, retirement and the like. I'm not saying it will, but it might."

_Sure, sure._

"So, there you have it. Let me just say you've been one of our finest employees, and a good friend. It's a shame we won't be working together anymore, but the corporation simply couldn't afford the money sink _PopBeat_ has become. Back in the day, the magazine was a great institution, but the internet's kind of killed that. No one reads paper anymore, so what can we do?"

_Invest a little to bring the mag into the digital age, like the new owner is probably going to do._

"By the way, that was a fantastic story you did on Taki Aizawa. Simply brilliant. Boosted sales tremendously, I hear."

_And yet PopBeat is going under. _Why did she suddenly hear an old ASK song running through her head? "Erm, thank you, sir. May I ask who the new owner is?"

_Burning, always burning,_  
_Your love, it took its toll_

"Certainly. It's Tohma Seguchi."

_When you play with matches_  
_The devil gets your soul._


	22. Chapter 22

Finally, I'm getting what I deserved all along. Look at these people. The brightest stars, the sexiest models, the most powerful execs, all here to see ME and not that loser Shuichi. Has he ever thrown a party like this? Hell, no. I doubt Shuichi's ever been to a yacht party before in his whole pathetic life. Him and his screechy, whiny voice. He doesn't deserve this; I do.

Speak of the decibel, here's the little twit now. Paying homage like I deserve. Eh, I can be big too. "So glad you and Yuki could make it to my party, Shindo. Please help yourself to the buffet table. And the bar's over there."

No need to fear me, Shuichi. I'm on meds now, so I won't try to traumatize you anymore.

I'm truly magnanimous. Heh. This is where I belong. Just look at all these winners. And look at me, right here in the middle of them, without that crappy wheelchair. Still can't walk perfectly, but I'll be dancing again in a few months. Maybe sooner, if I work harder at it.

Oh, look. Ma and Ken deigned to attend a party in my honor. Sure wish all this was for you guys, doncha? Well, you betrayed me, so tough luck. Or bad luck, as another NG act would say. Oh, extending a hand of congratulations, Ma? Well, I can be gracious too. Let's see, what would Seguchi say in this situation? "Thank you so much for coming. And congratulations on your new band and your new release. It's your strongest work ever. I'm really happy for you."

Yeah, happy. Funny, they don't seem to be anything but sincere in their congratulations, but deep down it must be killing them.

Eh, I've probably had too much to drink. Shouldn't drink at all with these meds. But how often do I get a yacht party in my honor? I'll have to thank Tohma later, if I can find him.

Oh, there he is. Shmoozing some old goat in a suit. Must be a producer or CEO. Maybe a board member. Someone incredibly boring, anyway. It's not how you make the money, it's how you spend it that's important. Yachts, cars, clothes, women. That's all money's good for. And I deserve all the money in the world.

Heh. Oh my stars and garters, it's Kaoruko. Even the queen of yellow journalism came to this. Really smarts that you had to retract that damn story of yours after Seguchi bought your fucking magazine, doesn't it? But I won't rub it in. Much. "So glad you could make it. Help yourself to the buffet." There. I can be polite, just like Seguchi.

Where _is_ Seguchi? Oh, over there now. With the NG crowd. Bad Luck, former ASK, that jerk with the guns and the ammo, and the spastic dude in the suit and glasses. Wait, who's that other...oh, it's his wife. Shouldn't she be in the hospital? Oh, yeah. Had the baby already. Must have gotten a sitter. Well, so glad you could all come to my momentous party. It's what I deserved all along. I worked hard for this. Worked and worked.

Worked hard...

Fuck.

No, I didn't. Seguchi got me all this. I only have it because Seguchi worked hard, and shmoozed everyone, and got me on the charts. He's the one who put up the money for PopBeat, not me. He's the one who called in the favors and bought the ads and pressed the flesh and shilled the CD. Not me. I was too busy getting therapy.

Damn. It's still not me who's talented or powerful or deserving. I'm nothing. Nothing at all without Seguchi. Look at him over there, drink in his hand and that ridiculous purple outfit. Okay, he does look good in it.

Why's he smiling at me? Must feel pity, though it doesn't really look like pity. More like pride, although I can't see why anyone would be proud of me. I'm just a conceited loudmouth with delusions of grandeur. I owe all my success to others.

Strangely enough, I don't resent him for it. Must be the meds. I used to hate being indebted to others. Actually, I still do...although it doesn't bother me when it's Tohma, for some reason. Probably the meds. The doctor said they might alter my perception of things.

Look at him. Doesn't seem to mind that I'm the one getting all the limelight tonight. He paid for all this, but I'm getting the accolades while he stands off to the side. He wrote all the music, but I'm getting all the praise. Why doesn't that bother him? It would kill me.

I should really go over there and thank him for everything. Right there in front of everyone. "Hey, Tohma, just wanted to say thank you for this party, and for everything you've done for me. I'm everything I am today because of you." Yeah, like I'm ever going to say that. He probably thinks it anyway. What's strange is that _I'm_ thinking it. I've never been grateful to anyone before in my life.

Wait...did I just say that out loud? In front of all those people? Crap. Seriously, must be the goddamn meds.


	23. Chapter 23

Maybe there was something to the claim that a patient no longer needed therapy once he got tired of analysis. Taki used to think it was helping him become more balanced, but it didn't seem to be helping anymore, and he was running out of things to talk about. _Heh. Taki no talky._

"So what's going on in your life, Aizawa-san?"

"Same old same ole."

"Specifically?"

"Erm, work is fine. CD's selling well, and the world tour starts in another month. Lots of rehearsals; Tohma wants it all to go perfectly. So of course, it will."

"Good, good. And how are you sleeping lately? Do you still have nightmares?"

"Everyone has nightmares."

"Yes and no. For most people, they're fairly rare. How often do you think about the accident?"

"Never."

"Never?"

"No, not at all. It's completely in the past."

"I see. How about humoring me a minute, Aizawa-san. Let's play a game of free association. I'll say a word, and you reply with the first thing that comes to mind."

"Oh, man..."

"You've done it before. It isn't hard."

"It's stupid."

"Perhaps. But a useful, if simple, tool for tapping into repressed memories. Shall we begin?"

"I don't have any repressed memories, but whatever."

"Then let's go. The first word is _silent_."

"Noisy."

"Dark...?"

"Chocolate."

"Head...?"

"Honcho."

"Broken...?"

"Man."

"Really. That's very interesting. Why does the word 'broken' make you think of 'man'?"

"Um...how should I know? This is your stupid game."

"In any case, you do seem less fixated on the crash. This is the same list I gave you at our very first session. The words I gave you were silent, dark, head and broken. Back then, your answers were silent night, dark alley, head light and broken glass. You aren't troubled by the accident anymore?"

"Not at all."

"Good. Then let's talk about it. You've never told me the full story of that night."

"No, I never have. It's not important. I never think about it, since it doesn't trouble me."

"Indeed. So you're no longer afraid to walk outside at night then, Aizawa-san?"

_Argh._ Taki straightened in his seat, wondering why he couldn't get comfortable in the doctor's chairs now that he was out of the wheelchair. Couldn't she buy some better furniture? And yet, it was all so cushiony. She didn't seem to notice his discomfort as she scribbled something on her notepad. What was there to scribble? Was she noting that he still had nightmares? Everyone had nightmares.

"Tell me something first, Doctor."

"Sure. What?"

"Would you trust someone who'd hurt you in the past?"

"Hmm. That depends on a number of variables. It would depend largely on how that person had hurt me, and why."

"Uh, well, let's say you upset your sister-in-law by upsetting her husband, your brother. As a result she tried to harm you, but seemed to regret it later by making it up to you in other ways. Would you ever trust her again?"

"Possibly. That would depend on how I'd upset the two of them."

"Then let's say your brother had PTSD from a traumatizing childhood incident, and you triggered a flashback by deliberately saying the wrong thing. You knew ahead of time it would probably disturb him before you ever said it. You just said it anyway because you thought it would give you an edge somehow, and she became irate that you'd traumatize your brother like that."

"Well, in that scenario the matter of trust would be contingent upon what had come of our discussion afterward."

"Discussion?"

"Yes, the discussion I'd have with my brother and sister-in-law explaining my behavior, and apologizing for it."

"What if in reality you didn't know about the trauma beforehand, and neither of those people was actually related to you?"

"But the same events had transpired? I would still apologize for my behavior, Aizawa-san. Apologies aren't exclusive to relatives. _Anyone_ I've offended deserves an explanation and an apology."

"But I don't do apologies."

"Don't? Why not?"

"Because...I just don't."

"Hmm. I'd say your nightmares are likely to continue as long as you feel guilty about harming your 'brother', and you'll probably feel guilty until you apologize. I believe these things are tied together."

"Hn." Apologize to Yuki? He should live so long. It was a good thing he hadn't told her what he'd done to Shuichi, or she'd really punish him. How does one make up for something like that?

_Well, it's like this, Shindo. I wasn't myself back then. I had mental problems, but I'm on medication now and doing better. I'm not psychotically jealous like I was, and I deeply regret all the trauma inflicted on you when I was suffering from that clinical envy thing, and_—

Fuck. There was no way he could apologize. It was too much like surrender, and his ego didn't bend that way. Maybe he could just let Yuki and Shuichi hurt him in return. Yuki, at least, would like that.

There was always the coward's way out—he could send flowers with a written apology. Maybe a nice gift basket. But then they'd have a written confession from him to use in court or the press and destroy him again.

No, he couldn't give them anything in writing. Yet he'd do almost anything to buy off his conscience and get a good night's sleep. Then there was...the other thing. Something he couldn't even admit to himself yet.

_Tohma._

How could he ever get another good night's sleep knowing deep down that Tohma hated him? That all his current success was merely a weapon Tohma had fashioned to punish Shuichi for taking Yuki away from him? _Wish I were Yuki. Then I'd be the one he loved most in the world._

Maybe there was a time he himself wanted Shuichi to suffer, but that was before the meds and before his own success. The more Shuichi hurt, the more his guilt grew and the less he could enjoy being on top. _I don't want to grind Shindo under my shoe. I just don't want him grinding me under his like he did before._

"So what are you going to do, Aizawa-san?"

"Huh?"

"I asked what you're going to do about your brother and sister-in-law."

"I don't know. What should I do?"

"I've already told you my thoughts. Now I'm interested in yours."

"Oh. Um..."

"Yes?"

"I don't know. Uh...I guess I'm going to offer an explanation and an apology?"

"Good. I think you'll feel much better after you do. We'll discuss it next time."

"Next time?"

"Yes, your session is over. I'll see you next week, and we'll review your progress at that time. Any questions or concerns?"

"Uh...no."

"Okay, then. Have a good week, and good luck with your apology."

"Yeah."

Taki rose from the chair and wandered out of the office. Where was he supposed to go? There was no set course and no plan of action. His brain loved inflicting torture, though, and a thought soon railroaded him. No matter how he tried to suppress it, the name kept launching itself at his psyche. There were undoubtedly several junctions where he'd have to get off the train and unload his remorse, but the first stop was Tohma.


	24. Chapter 24

"So what did you want to talk about, Aizawa-san? I'm rather busy."

Why did Tohma's huge, empty office always make Taki feel small and insignificant? It was even more intimidating here than in his therapist's office, but at least the chairs were comfortable. Too comfortable. He sank into the thick upholstery and felt even smaller. Probably the effect Seguchi was aiming for. "My therapist thinks my nightmares are linked to..._um_...well, she seemed to think it would be a good idea to talk about...that night."

"I see." Tohma rose from his seat and stared out the enormous window wall with his back to Taki. "So what is there to say?"

_Should have taken more meds. No, forget it; there aren't enough meds in the world for this._ "Just that...um...I'm sorry."

Tohma turned in surprise. "Pardon me?"

Was the bastard going to make him say it again? "I said I'm sorry. For acting on my jealousy, and...everything I did that night."

"Hm."

So that was it? The little sonofabitch had nothing more to say than that? _Would have been a nice touch to at least add, __"__Oh, by the way, I too am sorry for trying to kill you with a car...__"__ or something similar._

Fine. Taki had said what he wanted to say. Or rather, didn't want to say. Now to figure out how to say it to Shuichi. Damn. Would have been nice to have Tohma in his corner for that one. Seguchi always knew what to say and how to say it, and he was nothing if not polite. But that was a pipe dream, Taki knew now. There would never be anyone in his corner except himself. He climbed out of the chair and headed for the door, when he was stopped by an unexpected request:

"Aizawa-san, please don't go."


	25. Chapter 25

"You know there are some things for which an apology is not enough." Tohma gestured for Taki to follow him over to the sofa grouping on the other side of his office. "Please sit."

_Bastard._ Taki wasn't really up for one of Tohma's self-righteous lectures at the moment. He took a seat where Tohma indicated, but cut off any more criticism with a lecture of his own. "How many times does a man have to be punished for the same crime? I was hit by a car, which was agonizing in itself, then confined to a wheelchair for months on end, unable to walk or even stand on my own two feet. Then I kill myself trying to walk again, put up with the torture of physical therapy—not to mention psychoanalysis—all to get my life together and become a productive, working member of society again. Then there's the continual nightmares, the upset stomach and the other side effects of taking the meds, but it's still not enough. It's never enough suffering, Seguchi. Just how much will make you happy?"

"Calm down, Eiri-san."

"Aizawa-san."

"What?"

"You said _Eiri-san_. You meant _Aizawa-san_. And how can I calm down? Every time I see you, I'm reminded of that accident. No, not an accident. Deliberate. You deliberately pushed me in front of a car...tried to murder me! How do I know you won't try it again if I don't live up to your expectations? Everyone says you deliberately tried to kill Shindo during a video shoot because you knew there'd be a cave-in."

"That's enough." Tohma rose and paced over to the window again. "You're being stupid; worse than that, you're accusing _me_ of being stupid. The cave-in was completely accidental. If I killed Shindo-san, my brother-in-law would never forgive me. Once, I told you I loved him more than anyone in the world. That hasn't changed. When you love someone, you want them to be happy more than you want your own happiness. If Shindo-san died, Eiri-san would become depressed again, so I want Shindo-san to live for a long, long time."

"So why did you come up with this whole scheme to put me on top and surpass him?"

"I want him to live a long, healthy life. That doesn't mean I necessarily want him to live a long, _happy_ life."

Taki leaned back and rested his head on the sofa back, staring at the ceiling. Why did things always come down to those two losers, Eiri and Shuichi? _If neither one of them existed, I'd be a blissful man now._

What was even crappier at this moment was Tohma's admission that Eiri would always be number one. _No one is ever going to put me first. Ever. I'm just a tool for getting revenge, for making money, or for fullfilling a groupie's fantasies. No one is ever going to actually care about Taki Aizawa. Fuck._ He was wasting his time here; he was wasting his time anywhere. He rose from the sofa and headed for the door, but Tohma stopped him again.

"Wait." Tohma went to the bookcase and lowered the center drop-leaf to pour drinks—a whiskey for himself, a soft drink for Taki. "Where do you think you're going? We haven't aired out anything yet. Sit." He carried the drinks over and handed a glass to Taki. "I'd offer you something stronger, but you really shouldn't drink with your meds."

"Who died and made you my mother?"

"Heh. You need a mother, Aizawa-san. You're too self-destructive. Someone needs to watch over you." He took a seat next to Taki and sipped from his tumbler, never taking his eyes off the singer.

"Yeah, well, right now I'd be happy if my employer didn't want to kill me." Taki took a swig from the glass, disgusted to find it was Jūrokucha, and set it down on the table. _Rice tea. Blaagh._

"I don't want to harm you. You obsess about that particular night, so you think it's on my mind too, but I assure you it's not. It's in the past. You're not that same person now, and I have no desire to destroy you. On the contrary, now that you're back in the stable it's in my best interest to take very good care of you."

"I'm not a racehorse, Seguchi, and I'm not your pet."

Tohma's face suddenly burst into that self-satisfied smirk he wore at odd times, and Taki would've loved to understand it. And then smack it right off his mug. "Of course not, Eiri-san. Aizawa-san."

_Second time he made that mistake. What the fuck?_ "Whatever. I've got to get back to work."

"Certainly. Though I'd like to ask you a favor."

"What favor?"

"Tonight I'm taking Mika-san out to dinner, but tomorrow night I'd like to get together and discuss the upcoming tour, among other things. Are you free?"

"I guess." Seguchi wanted to see him after hours? That was...different. "Fine. Where should we meet?"

"Just come here at the end of the day, and we'll get dinner somewhere; my treat. I'll put it on my expense account."

"Okay." Weirder still, Taki could feel Tohma's eyes on his ass as he walked over to the door, and a look back as he closed it behind him confirmed his suspicions. Seguchi was interested? Or did he just want to use him as a sex toy now that Shindo had taken Yuki away from him? _Eiri-san. He called me that twice._ Was Tohma looking for a replacement? _A replacement for the one he loves most in the world. Friggin' hell. _But Taki couldn't be Eiri-san; he suspected even Yuki couldn't be Eiri-san. This Eiri-san was just a fantasy figure cooked up in Tohma's mind, and Taki couldn't be a fantasy.

_Sure would be nice to knock that bastard Yuki off his pedestal, though. Hell yeah._


	26. Chapter 26

"Have you ever been here before, Aizawa-san?" Tohma asked as the hostess at Kiyohime's opened the door for them.

"Yeah, once. Thought it was very pretentious, and never went back. Figures you'd like it."

Tohma smiled and followed Taki into the steakhouse. There were only a few other couples there. _Good. No one to see this...this...whatever it was._ Was it a date? Taki couldn't tell. So far there hadn't been any romantic overtures.

The hostess seated them at a corner table where they'd have some privacy. Although he'd never admit it, Taki was impressed with the upscale Western trappings. A water wall separated them from the other diners, but the water didn't gush into a pond or fountain at the bottom like some did, and it made relatively little noise. Perfect for talking softly.

An ashtray in the center of the table caught his eye, and he considered lighting up before remembering he'd quit smoking sometime back. Glaring at the hostess, he handed her the ashtray to get it out of his sight as she handed him a menu. "I'll start with saké and move up from there."

The hostess went to fetch the flask and cups while Taki reconsidered the wisdom in coming here.

_This was a mistake. Shouldn't have agreed to meet Seguchi after hours._ He couldn't stand being out on the streets at night, and here he was with the man who'd tried to murder him. Was that the same car driving past the window? Had similar headlights.

It was different when he performed at a club. He always had a ride home in a company limo, so he wasn't exactly out on the streets. But what was going to happen after they left here tonight?

"Have you made up your mind?" Tohma asked.

"Huh?" Taki snapped out of his paranoia. "About what?"

"About what to eat. Kiyohime's is famous for their Kobe beef."

Taki glanced down at his menu again and shook his head. "Is there anything that doesn't have squid ink in it? I hate that stuff."

Tohma laughed and suggested something, which Taki then repeated to the server when she took their order a few minutes later. Tohma waited for the server to leave before telling Taki something that made him temporarily forget all about nightmares and car crashes. "I have great news, Aizawa-san."

"Call me Taki. My therapist calls me Aizawa. I'd rather if you didn't."

"As you wish. Then you must call me Tohma."

"Works for me. So what's the great news?"

"You're going to headline at the largest arena in all of Japan, the new Omnium in Tokyo. What do you think of that, Taki-san?"

Taki cringed at the honorific, but mercifully it focused his attention away from the overwhelming news for a second while he digested it. "Well, Tohma-sama..." Good grief, the Omnium? Only the biggest of the big performed there. Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, internationally famous chart topping stars—_oh my god, there's no way I'm ready for this. But it's what I've always wanted. I deserve this, right?_

Tohma smiled at the title and continued. "It'll kick off your world tour, and won't interfere with any of the prearranged dates. The tour will simply begin a little earlier than scheduled, and we've updated our website with the new information. Ticketmaster informs me the tour is selling like hotcakes."

The server soon returned with a _tokkuri_ of saké and a little stoneware kettle of green tea. After pouring the drinks she left the table, and Tohma sampled his tea, watching Taki over the rim of his cup. "So what's your reaction, Taki-san? You should be happy."

"I am. Just...stunned. I never expected anything like this. At least not so soon. I'm an arena act already? I thought I'd be playing in small clubs, with the occasional warehouse bar like Liquid Sashimi."

"Heh. I think you'll like it. The staff assures me they can create some spectacular special effects. We'll go over there tomorrow morning and get a run-through."

"Sure." Things were moving fast. They'd moved fast with ASK too, and spun out of his control. What would he do this time if another noob came along and ousted him off his new throne? Taki looked up at Tohma, then drew back in alarm. Seguchi had worn the same devious smile the night it had all ended for him.

"No, I'm not going back there." Taki would rather kiss Shuichi's ass than return to the hospital.

"Back where? Have you been to the Omnium before?"

"What? Oh. _Erm_...no. I was thinking of something else."

"Ah. Relax, Taki-san. It'll all go perfectly. You'll see."

Tohma set down his cup without taking his eyes off the vocalist, and Taki wondered what Seguchi was staring at. _For someone named after a sword, I'm not very sharp._ Was Tohma flirting with him? _He's got a wife. A ball-busting wife. What the fuck. _Maybe their marriage was a sham. Must have been, if her brother was the one Tohma loved most in the world. "Tohma..."

"Yes?"

Taki considered how to phrase the question, then changed his mind. "Nothing. Must be imagining it." He raised the little cup of saké, surprised to find it was chilled. _Of course. They only heat the crappy, low grade saké. This place can afford the finest liquors in Japan._ Taking a swig, he found it was stronger yet smoother than any he'd had before. No rice aftertaste. But it burned.

The server brought their dinners, and Taki tried to focus on his steak instead. No luck there, either. If he'd been paying attention he'd have noticed it was too hot to eat, but the first bite seared his tongue, so he couldn't taste the rest of his meal.

_Burning again._

Hadn't burned for days, but his clemency was up. The last time he burned like this, he was with Kaoruko. Something she'd said suddenly jumped to mind.

_**"Word around town is that you and Seguchi-san are romantically involved, and that's why he's backing your comeback so intensely."**_

What made her think there was anything romantic between them? Had she heard something? If so, he wanted to know where, when and who. _Probably just made it all up for dramatic effect, the bitch._

"Taki-san, is your meat all right? You can send it back to the kitchen if it's not how you wanted it."

"Huh?"

"You're not eating."

"Oh. It's fine. Just too hot to eat."

"Ah." Tohma offered him some of his _gyū-katsu__don_, but Taki shook his head. Only saké would give him the remedy for this burning.

_You'd think I'd be used to it by now._ Did Tohma ever burn? Maybe the day he'd first come to the hospital looking to start trouble for Shuichi. Well, Taki'd had enough of it. Maybe he wasn't the sharpest blade in the armory, but he knew what he had to do. He needed to blow them away at the Omnium so Seguchi wouldn't want to kill him anymore.

Literally everything depended on it. This would have to be the greatest performance of his career.


	27. Chapter 27

It's all about opening doors, Kumagoro. That's all. Just opening doors.

_**"Ryuichi, I wonder if you could do me a favor...? Really it's for Shuichi."**_

_**"Sure, Mr. K. What is it?"**_

What's good for the goose is good for the gander, right?

_**"I mean, you've said yourself many times that Aizawa's a bad man who doesn't deserve second chances, eh? He's never shown any remorse for what he did to Shuichi."**_

_**"Yep. Go on, K."**_

_**"And Lady Luck always favors the fools."**_

_**"Ha ha! Yeah!"**_

Tohma wants to make money, and the best way to make money is to promote _all_ of his bands, right? Not just one.

_**"Oh, Seguchi-san. Glad you called. Looking forward to the show. We've been getting the stage ready according to your specs. Of course, you'll want to check it all out yourself when we get it finished, probably tomorrow. So what can I do for you?"**_

It's nothing personal. Shuichi has tons of talent and he's a good person. He's never harmed anyone in his life. He even protects turtles.

_**"Well, Ashika-san, I was just looking over the flyer your office sent me this morning, and there seems to be a mistake in the billing. Bad Luck is listed as the headliner, when they aren't appearing at all, and Aizawa-san is listed as opening for them when he's actually the star attraction."**_

Tohma's always said he appreciates when people take initiative. We're just taking initiative.

_**"You know, I thought it weird, too, especially after our conversation last week, but one of your publicists came in yesterday and changed the roster, claiming it was urgent and he was acting on your behalf. Had the right credentials and paid the adjustment fee, so we've made all the changes. Too late to modify anything now, Seguchi-san."**_

He's not the only one with contacts and connections. Those years in L.A. opened some doors for me, not to mention Mr. K's married to a movie star. That opens doors too.

_**"One of my publicists? Did he give you a name?"**_

He was always a great manager. He brought us together, remember? You and me. And just because he's not _my_ manager anymore doesn't mean we can't work together now to help another NG act, right?

_**"Ryuichi-san, could you please step into my office for a moment? I've just had a very strange phone call with the Omnium."**_

_**"Sure, Tohma-chan!"**_

We're just trying to help Shuichi, not sabotage Tohma. You see? We just want to help Bad Luck get ahead of Taki Aizawa. There's nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all.

_**"You mean that **__**you're**__** responsible for this, Ryuichi-san?"**_

_**"Of course, Tohma! Shuichi finally finished recording the CD. Now they need to promote it, ne? How better to promote a CD than to headline at the Omnium! The fans will love the new music! And it's just professional courtesy to give the older act top billing, right? Since Bad Luck has been around longer than Aizawa's solo act, they should headline. No?"**_

_**"Um...well..."**_

_**"I knew you'd agree! Kumagoro told me so."**_

Just opening doors, Kumagoro. That's all. What's that? Yeah, I knew you'd understand.


	28. Chapter 28

"So bring me up to speed since our last session, Aizawa-san. How did it go?"

"Hn...? How did _what_ go?"

"Either your apology, or your last nightmare."

"Oh. Yeah. Apology. Well..._erm_...one of them went well. Things are going good with my boss now. In fact, I'm going to headline at the biggest arena in Japan—the Omnium in Tokyo. Glad you reminded me. I've got some tickets and backstage passes. Bring a friend. Or your husband, you know, if you've got one. Then you'll know I'm not lying when I say my career's going pretty well."

"I've never doubted you. We have television way out in the boondocks of Azabu, too, you know. I've seen the ads for your new CD." The doctor smiled and took the tickets, but wasn't fooled. From the way Taki had changed the subject, it was unlikely he'd actually apologized to his boss, but had probably smoothed the path some other way. The therapist was no neophyte; she'd seen avoidance in her patients before, and every possible _-ism _that could be imagined. _No matter. He'll find the road to mental health somehow. All I can do is point the way, and try to make it easier for him._

"They're front row seats. You ought to get a great view of the stage there."

Taki fidgeted in his seat, and the doctor knew he must be dying for a cigarette. _Good for you for quitting. I won't offer any temptation._ At least he wasn't lying when he said his career was now a priority if he was willing to make sacrifices for it.

"This'll be the greatest show ever. I'm totally fired up. You might want to bring earplugs, though, in case it's too loud. Gonna have a wall of sound—speakers on speakers, and monitors all around the stadium so everyone gets a good view of me. Also, a stage behind the stage, with dancers performing live to the music, broadcasted over the monitors with laser effects and dry ice and everything. It'll be amazing."

"Sounds great, but what will you do if it _isn't_ amazing?"

"You kidding? Seguchi paid a fortune for this. He'll kill people if it isn't amazing, so it will be."

"But Aizawa-san, sometimes things don't work out as planned. When they don't, you have a tendency to crumble, as if life itself is nothing more than a concert that must go exactly as you desire."

"Well, it is. Life's a show. You can be in the audience, or you can be up on stage, with everybody loving you. Right now, everybody loves me, so it's great. What are you worried about? You ought to be happy for me."

"I'm happy that you're making progress and getting your life and career back on track, but I don't want that progress to be artificial. I want it to withstand whatever calamity life throws at you, so you won't go to pieces whenever things don't go exactly right. I'd rather if we never have to restart your treatment from where we were right after the accident."

"No problem. Everything will go perfectly."

"And what if it doesn't? Life isn't a performance, Aizawa. Life is a journey and a learning experience. One learns from mistakes, obstacles, failures—"

"You're saying we're supposed to fail at everything, and nothing's ever supposed to go right just so we learn stuff? No way."

"That's not quite what I'm saying. I'm saying that we suffer when we don't learn how to cope with adversity. There's a silver lining in all tragedy, Aizawa-san, and I want you to be able to find it, not fall apart, unable to function if things don't go your way."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll be cool. You'll see. Nothing's gonna go wrong."

He was missing the point, but there was no way to clarify at the moment. If her patient had learned how to cope, he could've climbed back up the charts without Seguchi bailing him out of the institute. Hopefully Taki was right about their relationship smoothing. Gainful employment was necessary for personal fulfillment, but the employer/worker situation was touchy at best, and sometimes the power an executive could wield over an employee was a scary thing.

Truly terrifying.


	29. Chapter 29

Taki had never put much effort into rehearsals before, but with everything riding on this performance, he demanded perfection. "Let's try that again, with more bass and percussion this time. I want this flawless." That was particularly galling to the musicians he worked with, since they'd always put 100% into every number. They cursed him behind his back, but Taki was too preoccupied to notice the grumbling around him.

So where the hell was Seguchi to admire all this work? Taki expected him hours ago, during the dress rehearsal. Not that he was nervous, but he'd never played in an arena before. He'd never performed _anywhere_ with all these stage effects and costume changes. There were so many things that could go wrong if everyone wasn't on their toes, yet the last rehearsal went brilliantly. Figured the boss wasn't here to appreciate it.

Strangely enough, the members of Bad Luck and their entourage rambled in only minutes before showtime, including Yuki Eiri and that girl with the headband, the one dating the guitarist. Taki was shocked when they straggled into the greenroom, but perhaps there had been a change in the lineup and they were opening for him instead of that local band, what's their name. Come to think of it, he hadn't seen that band all day. There was no way Bad Luck had come just to watch him perform, or to wish him luck. He could be magnanimous, though, like on the yacht. "Good luck on your performance. Break a leg, and all that," he said, taking Shuichi's hand and shaking it firmly. Felt weird to be so generous when sober, but maybe it would buy him a night free of nightmares.

Tohma entered then, before Shuichi could reply or even shut his gaping mouth. "Taki-san, could I speak with you a moment?"

"Sure." Taki followed Tohma down the hall to the dressing room, where the boss closed the door behind them to guarantee some privacy. "Wish you'd been here sooner. The rehearsal went awesome, and—"

"Taki-san, there's been a change. You're going to open for Bad Luck. They're going to headline, not you."

Taki gaped at Tohma the way Shuichi had gaped at Taki only seconds earlier. "You're kidding."

"No, I'm afraid not. I had nothing to do with it, but it couldn't be helped. This whole show was thrown together rather hastily due to a sudden opening when an international star canceled a tour due to illness. The posters and promos were printed late, and—well, none of that matters. I'm very sorry, Taki-san. You'll have to do the show without the dancers, costumes and effects. Also a scaled down playlist, since you'll only be on for an hour. You go on in about ten minutes. I'll tell the musicians, and try to get everything organized on stage."

Tohma left the room, closing the door behind him, while Taki slowly combusted. _Too bad I quit smoking; I could really use a lighter right now._ He and fire were old friends. Would it be such a loss to the city if the Omnium burned to the ground? He'd been wrong all along. Stupidly, he'd thought there was a way out of Hell. All it would take was a lot of therapy, medication and good breaks. Now he knew the truth.

He'd never stop burning.


	30. Chapter 30

This had to be a joke. Only it wasn't funny. Was Seguchi laughing? _Must be. The bastard. He planned this all along. There will never be enough atonement for hurting the one he loves most_.

It was all so perfect. The choreography. The laser lights. The monster monitors. Everything. All of it synchronized with the music, music written especially for him. He was finally going to be a god...the audience clapping and stomping for him, screaming his name, waving their lighters...

Too good to be true. That was it. It had all been too good to be true, so it couldn't happen. Was there even going to be a tour? Probably the whole damn thing had been cancelled.

_No world tour for fallen idols._

Shuichi would take over now, like he did before. Take all his tour dates, all his kudos, all his awards and fans. Shuichi would make all the videos and talk show appearances and news headlines, while Taki slowly faded from view in a hospital somewhere. It was all slipping through his hands. Again.

Why did the Fates hate him so? _I'm trying to be a better person. Try to be nice, try to be polite, and what does it get me? Fuck this. Fuck all of this._

"Five minutes to curtain. Get a move on."

_What?_ Someone was banging on his door. _Stagehand._ It was showtime.

Showtime. _Ha! My last performance. Ever. There's no way I can go through all this again. No way. It took everything I had and then some to get this far. _There was certainly no way he could do it all again without Seguchi. He'd never have escaped the hospital at all without that bastard. And here he was, right back where he'd started, without the benefit of a car crash to blame it on this time.

_**"I'd rather if we never have to restart your treatment from where we were right after the accident."**_

What? Taki rose from the chair and headed out of the dressing room in a daze, wandering down the hall toward the stage in slow motion. Roadies and stage technicians zoomed past him to make last minute crosschecks, but Taki travelled on a slower plane of existence than they did, reliving a conversation that had taken place days earlier.

_**"There's a silver lining in all tragedy, Aizawa-san, and I want you to be able to find it, not fall apart, unable to function if things don't go your way."**_

Silver lining? Taki arrived at the upstage entrance, and looked around at the audience. There was no curtain; the plan had been that a cloud of dry ice would explode onstage and cover the band's entrance. They'd simply be there after the smoke cleared, but that smoking entrance had been denied him. _Shuichi will get it now. Shuichi and those losers. Ha! Great name for a band. Shuichi & the Losers._

Silver lining? _What silver lining, Doc?_ If they bothered to look, the audience could see him peeking from backstage, but the fans were too excited to notice. _Shuichi's fans now. Not mine anymore. Nothing's mine anymore._ What did the doctor mean by silver lining? He needed to know. There were only two minutes to curtain, no more, and he needed a silver lining. Just where was the doctor? She had front row tickets, but Taki couldn't see her. _Maybe she didn't bother to come. Who'd want to see me?_

_**"Life's a show. You can be in the audience, or you can be up on stage, with everybody loving you."**_

Damn his memory. Why couldn't he get these thoughts out of his head?

Or was that the answer? To become something that others couldn't get out of their heads. Like a dream or a nightmare, possessing immortal existence in the mind. Fine, there was no silver lining, and nothing was his anymore, but Taki could at least live in their memories.

Of course. That was it. If he had to go down, he might as well give the performance of his life. Make them unable to forget him. An hour from now it would all be over for him, but he could jam a lifetime into that one hour.

_An hour from now MusikNewz will be on. At least I'll be home in time to see it. Maybe they'll mention my one and only arena performance._ There; that was a silver lining. At least if he went on first, he'd get done early and could get the hell out of here and back to medicating himself with pills and liquor at home.

_On with the show._


	31. Chapter 31

"I'd like to dedicate our next number to someone in the audience tonight. I don't see her, so maybe she didn't make it, but she's helped me more than she'll ever know. My doctor."

The fans screamed and whistled, and Taki plunged into his current hit, _You Spin Me_. He was in top form tonight; in fact, Tohma had never seen him so pumped. _It must be killing him to open for Shindo-san._ Nevertheless, Aizawa gave it his all, and Seguchi noted his professionalism with satisfaction.

_**"Burning, always burning**_  
_**Your love finally took its toll**_  
_**When you play with matches**_  
_**The devil gets your soul!"**_

Taki finished his set and took a bow, played one encore, and then left the stage to cheers it would be hard for Bad Luck to match. The two bands crossed tracks as the one abandoned the stage and the other arrived, but Taki didn't notice Shuichi until he'd run into him. "Oh, sorry. Um...good luck, Shindo. Great crowd tonight. They oughta love you." He managed a feeble smile, then plodded on to the dressing room to change out of his sweat-soaked clothes. Funny, Taki had totally owned the audience that night, but to Tohma he looked defeated instead of triumphant.

Tohma followed Aizawa down the hall and knocked on the dressing room door. "It's me, Taki-san. May I come in?"

"Sure."

Tohma entered the room and locked the door behind him. The vocalist tried to unbutton his cuffs, but his fingers were too clumsy at the moment, and he threw himself on the sofa in frustration.

"Let me." Tohma knelt beside him and unbuttoned the cuffs, then helped Taki out of his shirt. "I'm really proud of you."

"Proud? For what?"

"For the show tonight. I've never seen such a powerful performance."

"Well, the last one should be the best, right? Had to leave them with something to remember."

"Last one? You mean the _first_, don't you? The world tour officially begins tomorrow night. You're catching a plane for Korea tomorrow. You didn't forget, did you?"

Taki stared at him in puzzlement. "I thought the world tour was cancelled."

"Who told you that?"

"No one. Just...Bad Luck is the star now..."

Tohma grabbed Taki's dry trousers on the vanity and handed them over. "Silly. That was a one-time foul-up. It won't happen again."

Taki looked truly baffled, as if he'd read a memo Tohma hadn't. "So the tour is on? And they're not on it? They won't show up everywhere we play?"

"I promise they won't. I'll see to it personally."

Taki changed into the dry pants and ran his fingers through his wet hair, heaving a sigh of relief. "I thought it was all over for me again."

"As Eiri-san would say, you're an idiot." Tohma smiled and unlocked the door. "Why would I do anything to sabotage one of our top three fiscal assets of all time?"

"Fiscal assets? The others being Bad Luck and Nittle Grasper?" Tohma nodded, and Taki continued. "Leave it to you to put everything in financial context."

"I'm a businessman. I have to keep my eye on the bottom line." He opened the door to leave, but added, "I'm proud of you for something else. That was very big of you to wish Shindo-san well, and it sounded sincere. I'm proud of you for overcoming your need for revenge." He kissed Taki then, just a brush of lips and he was gone, leaving Aizawa stunned and alone, a look of complete confusion on his face.

_Now_ he was truly baffled.


	32. Chapter 32

_Um..._

There was a word for this.

Funny that it didn't bother him anymore. It still felt the same, although the cause was different, and _that_ somehow changed everything. He didn't mind it anymore, this burning. Maybe he was just used to it now.

But how does one get used to perpetual fire? Taki could still feel the press of Tohma's lips on his and caressed the spot, surprised at how much warmth still radiated from it. Strange that an ice prince could generate so much heat.

Heat could destroy or mend, depending on how it was used. A glassblower could gather shards of glass, melt them around a blowpipe and repair a broken goblet. Or at least mold a whole new one. Was that what Tohma had done for him, beginning the day he took Taki from the hospital—molded him into an entirely new person?

_I feel the same._

Yet there was something different, like someone had tapped into a part of his brain never used before. The old Taki would've exploded if he was ignored in favor of Shuichi, but this new Taki couldn't care less. It might be kind of interesting to see what his new brain could do.

_Maybe I need to take the new me out for a test drive._

Tohma had left him alone in the dressing room minutes ago, and Taki suddenly wondered why he was wasting time here. After the show, Bad Luck would entertain scores of fans and media reps with backstage passes in the greenroom, but it would be hours before anyone remembered that Taki Aizawa existed.

Yet he didn't care.

One man out there knew of his existence, and that was enough. _Might as well go._ He could shower at home, or in the NG building, or even at Tohma's, depending on what happened later. For once, the show wasn't the end of everything; merely prelude. The _real_ show was about to begin.

_And I'll be damned if I'm not a featured performer in that one. _He hurried to catch Seguchi before the bastard made it to his car.


	33. Chapter 33

"So that's how it's been, Ma-kun."

"And you're happy?"

"Yeah, although he calls me at odd hours just to see if I'm all right, if I've eaten and stuff. What's up with that?"

"Heh. Maybe he's jealous, and he's checking up on you to make sure you're not cheating on him."

"Nah. Anyway, he's cheating on his wife, so who's he to talk? Although she doesn't seem to mind, from what I can tell."

"You mean she knows about you and Tohma?"

"Apparently. She came up to me at a party the other night and said, _"See if you can put some weight on him, and I don't just mean in bed. Make sure he eats healthy since you see him more than I do. He's too skinny."_ Heh. Go figure, eh?"

"She's right; he _is_ too skinny."

Taki and Ma laughed, then Taki gestured for the waiter to bring them another round. "This is a special occasion. My meds will understand."

"Still, you should take it easy. Shacho won't like you showing up drunk at work this afternoon."

"Yeah, yeah. One more glass won't even get me buzzed."

Ma snickered, and finished the last bite in his bento. "Hey, I'm really proud of you for getting your life back together. Maybe we could perform onstage again sometime, now that you're done with the world tour."

"You want to? Like, perform old ASK songs?"

"Yeah. Maybe we could even reunite the band. Ken says _hi_, by the way."

A reunion. Taki had occasionally thought about that, but didn't know how it would go over with the others. It sounded good now that one of them had said it aloud. Real good. "Tell him I said I hope he's doing well, and that everything's going great, and..._erm_...tell him I said hi."

"Heh. I will."

The waiter cleared the table and brought the checks, and Taki tossed his credit card on the tray. "We'll have to do this again sometime. Real soon, eh?"

"Sure, Taki. I would have called you sooner, but you didn't seem to want company."

"Yeah. Well, let's just be honest and say I was a dick, eh? But I'm over that now, and I've missed you guys and the fun we used to have, and...uh...well, I want to hang out again like we used to."

"Sure. I'm surprised you'd say it. You used to be so arrogant."

"I'm still arrogant, but my shrink says I need to work on some things, like telling people how I feel and all that touchy-feely crap. You know."

"Heh! She sounds awesome."

"Yeah, one awesome bitch. Don't know what I'd do without her, but I can't wait to find out."

Ma laughed some more, and rose from his seat when Taki did. They walked the few blocks back to the NG building, and Taki never noticed the car passing by...a car that had driven down this very street one ominous night so very long ago.


End file.
